Friday, 19 March 2010


Well then, my friends, here we are. This is definitely it, because I gotta disassemble and pack the computer tonight.

It's been a strange week. Strange 'good', really. The Noob started on Monday. Don't ask me for any details because I won't divulge any. And yes, the Noob was hired before I told y'all about it, because I couldn't risk somebody being crazysmart. And make no mistake, this worries me; some of the comments, you're making me a little nervous. Let's get this out of the way now. Please don't try to find out who I am or where I work. Talk to me personally via the available channels if you want to, I'm amenable to that, but please don't try to be 'smart'. This is my life we're talking about here, please don't fuck with it. Just read and enjoy.

The other side : Wow. Are you guys bored with me thanking y'all yet? Once more, with feeling. I'm blown away by you people. It's beautiful. I haven't managed to get time to say even 10% of the things I wanted to say to you, but I have read all your comments, and I have smiled so many times. Jesus, I don't know how to say what I want  to say. You have been the best audience ever.

So hey, the Noob started on Monday and has been doing damn well, and The Boss has been being pretty sane, pretty together. She has made the effort. I've been a goddamn nervous wreck, but sometimes that's when I'm at my best. I've been solely left with the task of training the Noob, while also doing my job, while also already doing my new job from here, and then going home to try and sort out moving my whole life to a different place. Hectic. Insanely so. But that sort of works for me, in a way; I'm always scared that I'm only a few inches away from being an asshole when I'm bored, but when I get going,  I guess - if I may say so - I can make things happen, I can deliver. Whatever that's worth. I don't know. But that's what I do.

So here we are, my personal possessions leave on Sunday, and I leave in one week; in one week from now I'll be in my new apartment. I think I've got it more or less sorted; clothes and furniture and stuff are easy to pack but computers and musical equipment and instruments are a motherfucker to sort out, mostly because as a person who works in the freight industry I'm scared shitless about all the things that might happen to my stuff; Christ, I see related horror stories every day, and now I must entrust everything I possess to this insane system. But hey. I've done all I can do, and now it's up to Lady Luck. Please, Lady, let my instruments all arrive in the same condition in which they departed. If I had a god, I'd pray. As you must know by now, of course, I have neither religion nor much by way of politics; in place of these, I have Coughlin's Law and Hanlon's Razor.

Ah, fuck, I've stressed enough this week. I've fixed everything I could fix, and am trying really hard to chill out now.

This, I suppose, may seem harsh to you, if you work in, uh, let's call it a "gentle" occupation; and us, we, the shipping guys, sometimes we take ourselves quite seriously this way, because we deal in success and results and "did you fucking get it sorted!??", only. Shit must happen. Shit must arrive. I know there are many occupations that take this attitude, but hey, this one is mine. So yeah, all arrangements for moving my entire life at short notice were left to me to arrange, naturally, because if I couldn't arrange that then why the fuck would I have this job? So it's ok. I'll make it work. It's what I do.


May I open up a little?

Ah, it's a crazy time for me, the now, as you can imagine. How the hell did I get to be here?

I wanted to be a writer, when I was in my mid-teens I guess, for years; I remember one of those moments now, the things that we cringe about in retrospect; when as a fourteen year old my mother found me writing short stories instead of doing my homework and I angrily retorted "I AM doing my homework - I'm doing the homework for MY FUTURE CAREER!". Red face now, when I remember it. But then I discovered music and it's great many associated pleasures and follies, and abandoned the idea of further education in favour of being a rock star, and that lasted until only a few years ago, and somewhere in the middle of all this I accidentally became 'a guy who works in shipping'. And then in the last year, 'a blogger'.

And now.. it's good. I feel open minded about the future, younger than I did five years ago; things are good, people, it's all ok. Maybe when I get settled over there I'll spend some evenings playing some tunes, or maybe I'll write some stories - whatever the hell I feel like doing, really, that's what I'll do. Life has a way of beating our dreams out of us and we know in our hearts that eventually it will always win, but it is vital, fucking vital, that you still dream, because life is short and pain is long and if you aren't willing to dream then you might as well go home right now.

On those who have most kindly complimented me on my writing - thank you - I write some serious things, which the greater public knows nothing of; I guess I maybe fancy trying to write something serious, or to even let the greater public read some of the things I've written. Or maybe I won't. But it doesn't matter so much any more.

I get scared about the future, in brief moments, usually at two a.m. when I'm unable to sleep; but hey, it's just life. Let's see what it holds, and let's see what we can do with it. But I get excited too, and the line between excited and scared is nothing more than the briefest flicker in the angle of incidence.

So... yeah, I'm losing the thread. You still reading? ;)

It's been a funny week. And I've been running around like a madman, but I like that. So my worldly possessions are leaving at the weekend, and I'm leaving on Friday next week. I have a few good friends who have helped, and a really good long-time buddy who is going to fly over with me for the weekend and help me pack. This man was my tour manager back in the day and knows how to make shit happen, and will be invaluable. So anyway today it came down to the stage of booking flights.

So today, busy as hell, I also had to try and get The Boss to arrange flights.

This was even more difficult than usual due to the fact that our internet connection in the office was playing sillybuggers, and I was trying to do three jobs, and some arseholes planted bombs all over the country - ok, politics aside, if you plant a bomb or generate a bomb scare you are nothing more than a fucking arsehole - which makes my job quite interesting as I often must rely on having a functioning intrastructure in the country to achieve things - and also I'm trying to make calls to sort out my personal arrangements in between. I actually have a red sore on my left ear from where the phone has been firmly pressed against it. Seriously. And wishing like hell I had time to deal with my actual personal life, and hoping like hell the people involved in same will understand.

So - good. The Boss managed to book me on the right flight. First time. Excellent.

Bad - instead of booking my friend on it too, she booked me on it twice.

Then the internet bit the dust completely.

So I just said fuck it. It'll work out. It'll be ok. I went and had a couple of beers after work with The Boss and The Noob, and went home, and a while ago The Boss phoned me to tell me she had made the correction to the flight details, at whatever cost. And I said, hold on a fucking minute, I told you he needed the nine PM return flight on Sunday, not the nine fucking AM return flight. And she went, and she fixed it, at a cost of a further £56, and now it's sorted.

If it was a different time, I'd be annoyed or frustrated by this, but now, what's the point? The Boss?

Kids, The Boss is crazy.

But.... The Boss is, in many ways, alright.

When I told her I'd got this job, to answer a question many of you have asked - "what happened? what did she say?"

I'll tell you, and I'll tell you the pure truth. Her words to me when I broke the news that I had got it, verbatim -

- ' I got it' -

"I'd'a been amazed if you hadn't".

I'll leave you with that.

This is the Silent Koala - not sayin' goodnight. Just sayin'.

Love you.


'goodbye' is such an ugly word. I prefer au 'revoir'.


  1. Congrats... it's been a pleasure reading these.

  2. Strange weeks are the way the world changes.
    It would be mightily tedious if it wasn't so, and you have certainly provided relief from tedium for a whole lot of people.

    Now, what happens if you do win that Irish blog award?

  3. I think I'm going to cry. Just saying. Good luck, Koala. I hope I get to read more of your writing sometime. S. x.

  4. ciao sweet Koala! You are missed already x

    Just make the most of this, you deserve it!

  5. "Now, what happens if you do win that Irish blog award?"

    I take the precious as my own...mwahahahahaha


    no seriously, thanks for the laughs man...

  6. Then Manuel, you collect it for me, hold it aloft next to your own, and throw it into the sky :)


  7. Best of luck your Royal dudeliness. I'm jealous as hell that you're gonna be living in Londinium! Congrats though!! Fo' Sho'!!!

  8. Just so you know Mr Executive Koala. For the last year I have read aloud every one of your blogs to my future wife across the seas. I think I've done you justice, even without the funny accent you persons have, as she's been in pain with laughter.

    It's one of our "things" along with reading SYB crew.

    Some people have "our songs".

    We have "our blogs".

    You're missed.

    Good luck!

    And remember to keep the sun on your back, the wind at your heels, and a big stick in reserve.

  9. The bosses reaction kind of breaks my heart SK... in a really good way. x

  10. The bosses reaction kind of breaks my heart SK... in a really good way. x

  11. Adios Mr Koala. Live long and prosper. Share and enjoy.

    You are a good writer, I hope you have a great time what-ever you do


  12. Fuck. I just realised... There *is* no boss.

    1. The first rule of international shipping club is you do not talk about international shipping club.
    2. The second rule of international shipping club is YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT INTERNATIONAL SHIPPING CLUB.
    3. If The Boss says "Ronan Keating" or "Thurston", the port is inconsequential.
    4. Only two workers to an office.
    5. One blog at a time.
    6. No names, no photos.
    7. If the accounts haven't been done, you will have to stay up as long as it takes to find the purchase order (which, invariably, will be both half-scrumpled and by the side of the bin).
    8. If you've never read GAM before, you HAVE to start at the beginning...

  13. Mr Koala, I've thoroughly enjoyed your blog from the moment my bassplaying friend from Belfast introduced me to it. But this post is possibly the best.

    Good luck sir.

  14. Small tear of happiness, actually. Thanks. Bye.

  15. Oh Koala, just when I thought I couldn't love you more, you out yourself as a QOTSA fan. Sigh...

  16. Dude,

    I've no idea how I came across your blog all time time ago when you had just a handful of followers, but it, or rather you, have brought a welcome counterpoint to all the shit the internet contains and all the "news" that is reported on it. I'll miss it, and you, but I'm glad you are moving on and up... go and sort some shit! :-)

  17. Aw, you're so sweet!

    Good luck in London and with the new job.

    You're aces SK. Aces.

    (Also I wonder if we all keep our eyes open we might find a similar blog pop up in the future written by The Noob! Surely he'll need an outlet for The Bosses inevitable lunacy!)

  18. Good coda, good bye. For this blog. See you occasionally on Facebook.

    Creepy comments, stalky behaviour, part of the internet.

    Well done, bro. You deserve it.

  19. I'm not crying. It's been raining on my face.

  20. All the best, Big K. It's been a great party. See you at the next one.

    And, don't worry, we've all known for ages who you really are. We all know you're really a fat balding middle-aged lesbian. Or has Google sending me to the wrong sites again?

  21. Enjoy your Big Smoke buddy, you earned it.

  22. Must admit, I was hoping for one of those Hollywood endings where the hero turns down the big promotion at the last minute to stay with his wife/family/deranged boss...but not to worry.

    It's been a pleasure man, you're clearly a top bloke and it I wish you all the best for the future. This was truly a heartwarming ending to a fantastic blog, and I'll miss it.

  23. I guess I'll have to remove your blog from my favourites now! Good luck you lovely man. 'Happiness comes when your work and words are of benefit to yourself and others.' Enjoy the ride.. x

  24. "I'd'a been amazed if you hadn't".

    That's beautiful. It's almost as if she's been testing you all this time and is actually the most competent, together and clever boss around. What a wonderful way to finish the story.

    Good luck Koala, I salute you

  25. not much to say except more of what everyone else has said...cheers SK - well done! Hmm, seems it's raining on my face too...please don't be gone forever - that would be a shame...

  26. You do narrative, you do plot, you do pacing. You can haz writerz T-shirt. I'd get stuck into a bit more of that writing if I were you, but fer Jaysus' sake don't set out to be 'serious'. The planet won't get any less absurd just because you're the other side of the Irish Sea to The Boss, and I'd love to see you document a bit more of that fact.

  27. That was sweet.

    Love you K!

  28. Congratulations Koala! Thank you for the laughs. I am so glad you've got yourself a great job, I hope it's everything you want it to be! Be well.

  29. Arrrrrrrgh! I hope I wasn't one of the stalky behaviour type people! :( 10 000 apologies if so SK.


    Good luck my friend. xx

  30. Best of luck SK. You've created something special here, and I think you should put it in a book. There's a Robert Graves poem:

    He had a knack for drawing comic rabbits,
    And that knack for drawing comic rabbits paid,
    Till in the end he couldn't shake the tragic habits
    This knack for drawing comic rabbits made.

    Or something like that. The last two lines don't apply (i just quoted them cos they're funny), but you've drawn a brilliant comic rabbit in this blog. Posterity is calling.

  31. Luigi has moisture dripping from his headlamp rims; it may be rain but I think not!
    You should write and then, hopefully we will see the London Blog!
    Good luck again!

  32. Re the writing, check out a little quarterly indie mag called "Smoke, A London Peculiar" - you used to be able to buy it in Borders, but it's still findable online.

    They publish brilliant mad little pieces about all things London, I proudly declare they published me yonks ago - you don't get paid but it's a cool thing, and good for any future portfolio too I guess!

    And that's a bloody beautiful sign-off - thanks, lots of love, and au revoir!


  33. As Randy Jackson is fond of saying on American Idol, "You hot, dawg. You dope." No, I've no idea what it means either. You're a gifted writer who has given a lot of people a huge amount of pleasure, among them me. Mainly when I should have been working - luckily no-one could see the tears of laughter. If you do decide to continue blogging, please leave a note here to let us know.

    I fervently wish you an anonymous but fabulous life in London. Keep playing those instruments (I'm guessing not a Steinway Grand)

  34. This was the best post yet. Will miss you soo much..Thanks for all the laughs... Please keep writing.You have a wonderful comedic talent and a unique and lyical way with language. I truly hope and expect to hear lots more from you SK. Well Done!!

  35. Congratulations. Your struggle, and your eventual triumph in the face of adversity are a source of strength for the rest of us. Long may your name be told in the campfire stories of office workers.

    Enjoy England.

  36. Thanks and good luck SK. I've laughed with you, groaned with you (steady!), and tonight, a round of applause for that beautiful sign off. Language is an amazing thing isn't it? Best of luck with your writing and the new job.

    Au revoir it is.


  37. When you say that you didn't tell us you were hiring because you didn't want to risk anyone being crazysmart- do you actually think tht we would want to subject ourselves to TB?

    I mean it's been great to read about your crazy adventures through the landscape of TB's crazy mind and bin juju but really, would any of us want to take your place?

    Thanks for all the laughs SK. Hope your new position treats you well and leaves you with nothing to blog about. You have already fufilled your amusement quota for one lifetime.

  38. I dunno about anyone else, but I'm still checking this every day. Yes, I know I could just believe my RSS reader but it can't actually be true that this blog is gone!

    Very happy for you SK, and as a long time lurker it seems fitting to finally leave a message. I know I'm definitely not the only one you have helped to get through their own problems with their own boss.

    I hope you enjoy the big smoke, I certainly do. Good luck!

  39. You're a fucking great writer, so don't stop. And best of luck for the future.

  40. I do hope we'll see you blog again, SK. You're too good at it to stop. But make sure I don't have to fix any more of your photos, hmm?

    In the meantime - you finishin' that last pile of eucalyptus leaves? No? Excellent...

  41. :( I still check this blog every day hoping to a see an entry titled "First day in the new Big Job".

    Alas, I fear, like my intergalatic space train, it will never arrive.

  42. The very best of luck to you. And all i can say is - keep writing. I wrote stories in my diary as a kid instead of 'Dear Diary' stuff, and i'm still writing today. Am i published? No. But i've got plenty of time to do that still, if i want.

    I 'publish' online, and people talk to me about it, and it's all awesome and good. So keep writing, keep playing, and be sure to breathe.


  43. Koala, I've been a long time reader but this is the first time I've posted a comment. I don't even know if you will ever read it.

    Thank you for your blog, it made me laugh. We've never spoken but I followed your adventures, and they meant a lot to me. Congratulations on your big job. I'll really miss your blog but I'll feel happy knowing you didn't just vanish into the ether, but that you're doing something really awesome.

    Thanks again. <3

  44. Yea, was linked to your blog through a friend a while back really enjoyed it! made lots of LMAOz, LOLz, and internal sniggeringz, good stuff. good luck SK!

  45. So - seventeen months. What's the craic?

  46. Mr. Silent Koala. I am not sure if you will get this message, but I nominated you for this here blog award thing: Check it out!! :)

  47. Still checking back, just in case like.

  48. Come on Koala. Come back man. It's the right thing to do!

  49. Oh wow I didn't notice I was still subbed to this! Always enjoyed this blog and I wish the guy well in his life!

  50. It's been 6 years. Still waiting for an update. Please

  51. Yep. Still looking for that update!

  52. I'm still alive and I promise I will update you ASAP :)

    Much love, SK xxxx

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