Sunday, 14 March 2010

End of Level Boss







Ah kids, chums, buddies.



Friends, Romans, Cunts.



Fetch y'selves up a drink and sit the fuck down.




Here it is.




I don't quite know how to do this one.




OK. Drink, breathe, etc.




Right then.




The question has often been asked round these parts - "why the fuck do you still do this?"

I've deflected it, mostly, but in essence - Well, because it's a good company to work for. A fucking great company to work for. I like the company, and I like the work itself.




Alright then, where are we.







An opportunity arose. A big one. A big job, high level job. I took a stab at it - with the encouragement of a small pocketful of close friends. This was a couple of months ago. I didn't tell you, yeah. Apart from other reasons, I didn't think I had any real chance at getting the job.




Those of you that pay close attention to my farcebook will have noticed that I've been spending a lot of my weekends jetting over to England lately.



I got the word, people, I got it. I got the word and the word says I got the job. I'm being shifted out of my position, to go and do some serious hardcore kind of shit; I'm fifteen years younger than everybody else that is doing this kind of shit, it's that fucking serious. It's serious. It has paid off; it is the jackpot. It's fucking brilliant, it is fucking excellent, can you dig this? Your Koala just got the BIG JOB. He's going to join the A-Team.My head is spinning. EXECUTIVE FUCKING KOALA. And it's all happening very quickly. Very quickly. I not only have the job to think about, but I have to move from my native island to that strange foreign land known as England, and not only that, but I have to do this fifteen days from today. This is nuts, crazy, mad fuck shit nuts.

It's great. It's sad. I'm drunk, now, when I write this; I've been in a drunk condition for writing many of these posts, but now I'm drunk. But I gotta tell y'all. Coz I owe ya. Listen.

I started writing this just as a development of emailing three close friends every day to tell them how nuts my boss was; and mostly, I just did it for stress relief, and to make my friends laugh. It's fucking nuts to me that so many people are reading it; that so many people give a shit. You guys don't even love me, you love the fucking Boss - meditate upon that, my friends, consider it.

This is trippy. For me. I guess it's funny, this blog, some people have suggested to me that it's funny. OK, this is real. This is my real life. It's funny to me, too, a lot of the time; or sometimes it's just fucking lunacy. Doesn't matter. I have won, kids. For now, I have won. I stuck with it, and I knew the right opportunity would come along in this company, and I waited, and when the opportune fucking moment arrived, I took it. Allow me a moment of standing here on the pedestal with my dick in my hand, would ye?




It's over, then. This blog thing. It's been... wow. Where the fuck did y'all appear from, Jesus fucking Christ like. I didn't ask for this. (tongue in cheek kids, tongue in cheek)





Ah, shit, my friends, this is weird shit. I couldn't have done this without you. That is not a platitude. I could not have done this without you. I really could not. I would'a quit. I've been so close to it so many times, really. But I knew I had to hang in there, to get the Big Job. I'd buy each and every one of you a drink for your help, your support, your shared tales of your own workplace insanities.(mind you I'd prefer it if you paced it, and didn't all arrive at the bar together) -  I would have quit, without this outlet, without you people. I know some of you are gonna be sad about this. Don't. Just don't. I'm so glad this whole fucking thing has some kind of happy ending. It's been like having virtual-workmates. Hesus. How emotional do you want met to get:? I fucking love you, and I fucking owe you. 



Madness.





I'd name names except that I'd fear for leaving some out. If you feel like I'm gioving you a salute here, you're probably right.






Ah, come on. Nothing lasts for ever. This is good, this is wild and crazy. I have won, friends, I have won. This is it and that is that and that's all she wrote. Somewhere in the middle of the Boss lady singing, the fat lady sang. I owe an apology of sorts to some of the readers that I know IRL that are just hearing this news now - fuck, folks, it's been a crazy couple of months, with minimum personal headspace. Phone me. We'll talk.



Shit, that's it. That's it. that's it and that's all, folks. I am happy. My future looks bright. What else can I say?





Thank you. A big, fucking serious, heartfelt THANK YOU.












He who laughs last, my friends.



xxx

166 comments:

  1. Wooooooo!! Go Koala!! That is sooo cool! Yay happy endings! You are a star, you are the man, you are happy parts of the canine, you are the bees knees and the wasp's nipples :-)

    You don't know me from Adam but I'm chuffed for you. Go the the big job, seize it and make it yours!

    Awesomeness.

    Zed
    x

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  2. Excellent news, and well done you.

    VERY sad to see the end of this blog though, of course.

    NOW. Will you tell us where you worked? :)

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  3. Belfast Barista14 March 2010 at 21:04

    *Stands with cap in hand and head bowed solemnly*

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  4. awesome news mate, enjoy england

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  5. Well done Koala! Many congratulations on your massive win. I am sad and happy and mostly glad that I am only going back to work part-time, otherwise the hours at my desk would stretch out like an empty koala-less void.

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  6. Will this make you The Boss's boss? Congratulations!

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  7. Congratulations! Glad to know you're coming to our shores and, more importantly, getting away from the crazy lady. Sorry to know the blog will be no more though. Still you have suffered for us for so long, it's only right we suffer a little too.
    Finally, don't go and turn into a crazy person now that you're The Boss will you?

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  8. Yup. Meet the new Boss, motherfuckers :)

    Ah, jesus christ people, I'm gonna cry. You rock!

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  9. Congratulations! Glad to see you got The Mega-Happy ending, though the Scooby-Doo ending would have been interesting. Actually, come to think of it, have you tried taking her mask off? It might just be old Mr. Jones, the fairground owner :)

    Anyway, enjoy it over here in sunny England, and thanks for the blog.

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  10. Good for you my dear Koala buddy.
    And selfishly I hope you get a new batshit crazy boss. England's full of nutters, I await your return. x

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  11. And thus the blog is complete. I can't say I'm happy to be missing out on more madness, but let's hope you keep up the contact with all us new virtual buddies on FB. Massive congrats! Whilst I don't believe in fate and all that shit, you HAVE to see that you've had to put up with so much and this is your reward. Living in London. Reward.

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  12. Congratulations!
    Really pleased for you, may your days of being The Boss never be immortalised in someone else's blog ;)

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  13. CONGRATULATIONS!!

    Now don't go finishing this blog before you've told us what TB's reaction to The News is...

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  14. Ah, chums, add me on facebook and stay in touch!

    TB's reaction has been exactly what you would expect, if your whipping-boy just became YOUR GODDAMN BOSS.

    ALL HAIL THE NEW BOSS, CAN I GET A GODDAMN HALLEFUCKINLUJAH!


    rock and fucking roll, kisses for you, beautiful people. celebrate! xxxx

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  15. Koala, I'm ecstatic that your leaving the boss' life, but distraught that the boss is going to leave my life.
    I have loved every entry you have made over the life of this blog.
    Please, please, let us down gently by giving us a few epilogue entries in the future.

    Good luck with the new job!

    Letum/anonymous guy more than once

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  16. emotional! nothing less than you deserve though, well fucking done! i and im sure many many others will miss you.. but congratulations nonethess, from the bottom of my heart i wish you every happiness! x

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  17. Belfast Barista14 March 2010 at 21:51

    A GLORY TO EXECUTIVE KOALA!!!!!

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  18. Ab-so-bloody-lutely-brilliant!

    I do love a happy ending.

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  19. Fantastic Koala, absolutely fantastic news. And boy do you deserve it. Thank you for your wonderful blog and keeping us all in stitches but man alive you deserve to have some happiness and something to look forward to when you go to work. Good on ye! *hug*

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  20. Congratulations Mr Executive Koala Sir. Thanks for all the belly laughs and giggles (and associated sideways looks from colleagues wondering if I've been at the tippex again).

    I'm sure you'll find some more crazy in your new office - although not as pure and totally unhinged at TB.

    I hope they new job is all that you want it to be.

    I'm gonna miss the blog. It is one of the funniest, moving, heartbreaking and uplifting things I've read. How am I going to fill the time?

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  21. Congratulations! :)

    On the one hand, I am sad because I *just* found this blog, serious like 2 weeks ago, and now it's all over. Why does this always happen?

    But on the other hand, I am so glad you are getting out of that dark vortex of evil you call an office, and getting what you deserve! Happy endings do exist. Plus, when you adapt this blog into a screenplay, it makes a great ending.

    Please do keep in touch, let us know how you are doing, especially when you get the call at 3 AM.

    *groggily* "H-hello?"

    "43905490."

    "What?"

    "Thurston, where's my rubber?"

    "Fucking WHAT?"

    "How to get from Dublin?"

    "..."

    "To Dublin."

    "Say again."

    "From Dublin to Dublin, how much?"




    "God, I missed you."

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  22. That's great news, SK. Damn well done to you for putting up with it for so long, and all the best in enjoying your hard-earned reward.

    If you're going to be anywhere near London, drop a line to the SYB submissions address. I think I owe you a drink.

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  23. Wow! Good for you! I have not been reading long and haven't commented before, but, seriously. Good for you. This is awesome.

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  24. I PROMISED MYSELF I WOULDN'T CRY!! :)

    Hey, Kelvin, how's this for a headfuck - I'm a regular SYB submission type, under my actual real human name. :)

    (let's drink, though, let us drink and Speak Our Minds)

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  25. And so it's out. Still mate, chuffed to bits for you and the move onwards and upwards. Couldn't have happened to a nicer and more deserving person.

    I will miss this though.

    Ya better keep in touch now that you're upwardly mobile and not forget us little people!

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  26. you selfish bastard....I'm so utterly gutted by this....

    heh


    best of bully old chap, have a blast n all that....

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  27. Congratulations, SK! Let us know how it goes.

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  28. We will miss you but Christ you deserver it man. Well done and chin up, your new work mates might be just as fucking mental.

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  29. I knew it! You're really John Adair, aren't you.

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  30. Wow. This is a much better ending than you going postal and razing the place to the ground. I'm so happy for you! Clearly you are excellent at what you do, and clearly that is obvious to the people who count - there's no boss crazy enough to keep a good koala down.

    I was always here cos of you, not the Boss, man. A story can't exist without the person who tells it, and other deep shit. I'm sad I'm not in London anymore or I'd buy you a drink too, but I'd only be doing it for the stalkerish desire to swoon over your accent, so it's probably good I've left.

    All the best!

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  31. Congratulations!!

    Yes we love the boss, but we love YOU even more.

    I'm going to go and have a little cry now *sniff*

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  32. I'm sad for me, but very happy for you!

    Though please document the boss' reaction to discovering you're leaving. There's still good material to be had!

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  33. Kelvin, you do me a great dishonour with this. IN fact you really truly wound me like as if your post was a knife that went right up my bottom.


    I am not John Adair, and quite frankly, how very fucking dare you, you dirty fuck of a man>

    I AM Kadir-FUCKING-Buxton you fuck. Now learn my fucking method. NOW. FUCK.

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  34. (sorry, normal people - in-joke)

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  35. (also, thank you. i'm too drunk to say anything else right now. kiss me, i'm irish)

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  36. Ooh Mr Kadir-Buxton you sexy beast, my fallopian tubes need manipulating, call me ;)

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  37. "Kiss me, I'm Irish."

    As long as it doesn't end in lemonadey fallopian tubes.

    Also, you wouldn't really want me to buy you a drink. I'd turn up clutching an Ikea bag, muttering something about having had to stop there because I was fresh out of coat hangers.

    Urgh. Two off-topic comments in one post. Sorry.

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  38. Congratulations, Koala Baby! So you've leapfrogged over The Boss? (Figuratively, my friends, figuratively). Please do let us have an account of you telling her. It will make my life worthwhile. Please also tell Thurstfan that I shall pray for him daily.

    And I always suspected that you were Kadir-Buxton. You both talk a lot of sense. A LOT of sense.

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  39. I'll miss you, but to be honest, I couldn't think of a happier ending. Congratulations - and consider deleting the blog so it won't bite you in the arse sometime in the unexpected future!

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  40. I wish you all the luck in the world Koala. Sad to see you go, but happy as a pig in shit for you!

    I'll certainly be following you on FaceSpace, just in case you get a new bat shit boss!

    I'm gonna go and lie down now and have a little cry!!!

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  41. Massive thumbs up mate. Well fucking done to you!! Excellent.

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  42. How I miss you already Silent K, but am absolutely ecstatic for you! This is a win over the boss in the super-galactical uber-win level win. Many, many points and one hat off to you, a true gentleman.

    x

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  43. Congratulations, and if I ever find you in London a pint or two will be yours.

    Now will you please do the decent thing and hand this blog over to your replacement.

    Actually even if you don't we only have to google for "hack", "Ronan Keating", and "Thurston" and your replacement will appear magically before our eyes.

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  44. This is both awesome and soul-crushing at the same time. You totally deserve it, bud! Thanks for being such a fuckingly funny Koala for sooo long. The interwebs will miss you, though. Perhaps I'll see you around London at some point.

    (I'll be looking out for the koala with the curious demeanour of one who has escaped from the depths of batshit-crazy-hell.)

    All the best!

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  45. Once again Congrats SK, but just wanted to add you’re a brilliant writer/story teller. (Must be an Irish thing, I hear they are great story tellers.) I think you should keep writing, pick any topic, it doesn’t have to be about work. Good luck my virtual friend. Also - YES WE DO LOVE YOU!!! :D

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  46. I've had a great time reading this blog. Thanks for sharing your stories, and I'm really glad you've got the happy ending. Congratulations on the new job!

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  47. Gooanyaah ya bastid. Well fucken done. Dot fucken com.

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  48. i can't believe i didn't see this! congratulations koala! i'd just like to say that as funny as the boss's crazy was, you're style and flair is what kept me reading. you're a great comedic writer with a flawless muse. you don't worry one bit about us, fly little bird! fly! fly away into the sunset!


    /crazy
    seriously though, enjoy your new shiny place in the sun.

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  49. Most especially happy for you. I have just found Bossthulhu's blog, you should see the mental things she says about you!

    Now, please enjoy pissing off to England. Is that near Brugge?

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  50. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

    Oh SK, - to borrow a much maligned but still occasionally useful Amercanism - DUDE!
    That is such jawdroppinglyawesomenews. Darn I'm going to miss the blog and you. You've really kept me sane in the last while.

    Ah well, if you're ever in Australia give us a yell, I'll buy you a drink, nay, the whole fucking bottle.
    Kisses and all the best!
    :D

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  51. That truly is fantastic. I wish you all the best in your new position, and hope that it exceeds your dreams.

    I'd also like to suggest you leave a link to this blog in the drawer for the next victim of The Boss. Maybe they may like to continue the drama...

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  52. I am so SO made up for you - well done! Literally, I'm grinning from one chimp-like ear to the other (equally chimp-like) ear right now!

    Sure I'll miss you, and The Boss, PLEASE don't delete the blog at least for a while, I want somewhere to come for a chuckle and there's TONS of gold in them thar posts... cor blimey, I s'pose all the time I was reading I kind of dreaded the usual blog parabola of neglect - fewer posts, then the 3 month gap followed by obligatory big "I'm going to start posting more again" post, followed by longer silences...

    Instead, you made it out into the sunshine, with your sanity (more or less) intact - victory is yours, and that gives me hope for every other wage slave and nutter out there!

    And, y'know you really do write like a star, so I hope you do more funny stuff in future: but for the lols I had out of this blog, I thank you, and may:

    ...the bin always rise up to meet you.
    May the photocopier always be at your back.
    May the monitor shine warm upon your face,
    and Ronan Keating's Greatest Hits fall soft upon your ears.
    And until we next meet,
    May The Boss not get your furry koala balls in her evil be-clawed hands ever again!

    Fair sailing and calm seas mate, you've earned it!

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  53. congrats congrats congrats! I will miss your posts, simply because it was nice to see that i wasn't the only one dealing with daily crazies... but for your sake i am so very happy for you! I hope you enjoy the new gig and your new digs (when you find them).

    best of luck to you!
    :)

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  54. Koala sez:
    "Where the fuck did y'all appear from, Jesus fucking Christ like?"

    Spot on. I think Jesus Christ did indeed direct many of us here from SYB.

    Incidentally, thanks for the readership thanks. In a bad light the internet looks like it's all HYS and goatse, but on a good day you have wonderful moments like this where people who'll never meet still band together to support each other.

    I'm very glad that while you were looking into the abyss instead of hearing your echoing screams you found a thousand cheery faces, waving and offering to get the beers in.

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  55. Holy crap! Congratulations SK!
    I'll miss your stories of crazy boss, but I'm glad you were able to escape with most of your sanity.
    If you ever make it to Minnesota (still nowhere near New York or Liverpool) drop a note on FacePlace, I'll buy you a pint!

    ~Sharon

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  56. Massive congratulations to you Koala, you certainly deserve it! You put up with a lot of shit and it paid off. Well done.

    I only hope you find something new and exciting to write about in the future-- you're a brilliant blogger and I would love to hear more from you...

    ...or indeed have a pint with you in July when I happen to be jetting halfway across the planet to the UK...! ;-)

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  57. brilliant koala, if anyone deserves promotion, you do. well done dude, and happy, happy days ahead :)

    amandzing

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  58. koala, before you leave, you need to email a link to this blog to your poor successor, so that he or she can take the support we've given you to help them through the day. Good luck fella.

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  59. That Bloke in the Corner15 March 2010 at 08:02

    Spot on SK. Can you now shovel some shit down on to the Boss from heightened level?
    Well done,it was worth the lunacy, you will look back and giggle like a demented hyena in a few months.
    Don't know what I am going to do now though without my fix of workplace bizarreness.

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  60. Well done SK! I'm very happy that you're finally getting out of the looney bin, but sad that there won't be any more crazy shenanigans to cheer me up at the end of the day. You seriously deserve it, and good on you for sticking it out (albeit at the risk of your own sanity).

    You'll definitely be missed!!!!

    -Annie in Oz

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  61. Fucking hell, congratulations!!!

    Long time reader, first time commenter, and I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do without your blog to cheer me up on a Monday morning.

    I look forward to a post from your last day, when you finally walk out of the office on a bright sunny afternoon and think "Fuck you, Boss, fuck you and your rubber and your bits of ripped up fucking paper. I beat you."

    We'll miss you lots.

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  62. So I guess TB will be recruiting for a new assistant.
    I will be scouring the blogosphere for another cathartic blog for a disillusioned, brow-beaten assistant to a mental boss in the shipping industry. The Perplexed Possum is surely only a few months away.
    Congratulations etc - hope you enjoy yourself in London. Shepherd's Bush is a great place to get hammered at the weekend.

    All the best.

    Toby

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  63. London is awesome Koala...maybe one day I will bump into you and not even know it! good luck! letitia

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  64. Well done, sir! (: Genuinely happy to see this blog go! I say that with all good and genuine feelings too, because I was worried that like 95% of Life, this blog may not have a happy ending...

    ...however, it does. And should I say, if you're ever down Wellington end, or fuck it, even Auckland end again, let me know via the Book of Face, and I'll shout you many pints of the best brews this place has to offer. For surely do you deserve mighty beers... or, conversely, if I find myself back over there in a couple of years, you can do the buying on your executive pay packet.

    ...and yes, I'll gladly take credit for the fanbase I helpfully directed from SYB that fateful day Kelvin thought I was being sarcastic. Although you have to take credit for linking yourself in the first place, and I'm sorry I lost your blog during the Great RSS Reader Crash of 2009. ;)

    I knew about this place before it got all popular. Remember that!!!

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  65. well done sk you go my man

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  66. Congratulations! I'm really pleased for you that you got your happy ending - you deserve it! I will still keep your blog bookmarked as I joined near the end and have lots of archives to trawl.

    Will you still keep us posted on your final fortnight? Surely it will brim with hilarity!?

    Well done mate all the best.

    DK xxxxxx

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  67. Good on yer - if anyone deserved a break, it was you. If ever you're in the Cotswolds there's a pint or two of Guinness with your name on them. Or a lemonade shandy. Whichever.

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  68. Just thought - does Executive Koala get an assistant? If so, on your first Monday morning, get him/her to go to the stationary cupboard and get you the biggest fuck-off box of shiny new rubbers there, to be kept on your desk for your Sole Personal Use.

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  69. Fuck!
    You're off, SYB is going up the swanny thanks to the bastards messing with the feeds, I'm gonna have to get some work done.

    Well done SK. Two weeks from now I'll be scouring the blogs for the line "New Boss started today, some mad Paddy who's obsessed with keeping his rubbers clean and putting every scrap of paper in the bin. And if he sings "La Cucaracha" one more fucking time, I'll swing for him."

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  70. Nice one SK. I can confirm that your real name is not "pigfrottage".

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  71. Koala, my deepest congratumalations. This blog has been an absolute pleasure to read for the last few months and I have just one little thing to say:

    LA CUCARA-CHA
    LA CUCARA-CHA
    LA LA LALA RONAN KEATING

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  72. First, congratulations - that's excellent, though I will miss the inane rants of your soon-to-be-former boss (perhaps you can get her to keep the blog going for you - or at least send it to her when you leave).

    Second, you're a dude? I always thought you were of the lady-folk-type. No reason why - just popped into my head that way the first time I read this blog.

    Third, good luck with the new job!

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  73. well done on the new job sk, u def deserve it - thanks for all the laughs and making the working day a bit brighter!

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  74. This ought to be a double blow - being combined with our crushing at the hands of your countrymen at the weekend. Ought to be, but not.

    You say it's the Boss we love, and that hurts a little, too, but not enough to stop me grinning like an idiot.

    Massively chuffed for you, SK. A deserved reward for sticking it out. For sticking it out and being monumentally entertaning at the same time. Kudos, my man, kudos.

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  75. Congratulations!! As a long term fan I'm torn between delight and dismay, I'll miss you! The happy ending's made it all worth while - there's hope for all of us!! Good luck with everything, you'll love it! If you're ever in the north, etc... xx

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  76. I am at once devasted for myself and elated for you Koala! What will I do without this blog to get me through my boring days?!

    It is very reassuring to know that sometimes karma will pay out ... I hope you have a fantastic time over here in London, and keep us up to date on any developments over the next couple of weeks (and any rumours of how the boss is getting on without you when you leave!).

    Perhaps she will buy you a big bag of shiny new rubbers as a leaving present?

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  77. Wow, so this is it? Well done on the promotion!

    Now we just have to keep searching 'til we find the blog of the next poor sod who has to work for TB!

    All the best.

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  78. So selfish!

    Please ensure this blog is handed over to the newcomer (poor, poor soul) as they will be needing the emotional outlet.

    This story cannot end.....

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  79. Ah dude, congratulations! *doffs cap in your general direction*

    You've thoroughly earned this one. Seriously, you've probably earned your own castle in the sky and being waited on hand and foot by Greek goddesses. But this will probably come close.

    I've been putting off adding you on facebook as I didn't want to turn into some weird stalker person, but seeing as everyone else has done it 'n' all, I may as well! :-)

    Good luck with the new job and coming over to England mate - enjoy!

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  80. Like everyone else I am ecstatic for you, congratulations SK!! And like everyone else I’m selfishly devastated this blog has ended. It has become a talking topic at work where we discuss the insanity you have put up with and compare TB to our boss. :D My sister recommended I read this blog and I’m delighted she did. If you ever head down to Australia, we would all like to shout you multiple rounds –in thanks. Go forth and conquer Koala. All the best to ya mate. ;p
    Mandy

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  81. Congrats Koala! Been reading your blog for a while now and always made me laugh (and made my own job seem more bearable.

    Hope everything works out - you quite literally deserve it.

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  82. Bloody well done :-) I look forward to the next post, where a hungover SK breaks the news to TB...

    Be gentle. Not for any sympathy I might feel for TB but just because I don't want you do do anything daft and wind up not getting the dream job because you've accidentally strangled her or something.

    Although I get the distinct impression you'll be floating so far above the stratosphere you won't even notice her from now on. :-)

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  83. Congratumalations sunshine, not many people make it through the executive training placement. What, you didn't think we really employed batshit insane people did you? Played by an actress, and a damn talented one at that.

    If you could just ensure the next test subject takes over the blog that would be dandy. Thanks.

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  84. Congratulations, SK!!! So very proud of you! Of course, I selfishly wish the blog and torture to continue, but so very happy for you all the same!

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  85. Congratulations! I am in a strange emotional state. Sad that you are leaving our lives, but happy that you get to escape the insanity.

    We don't love the boss, we love the way you tell stories about her. You are a constant reminder to us that life's a lot better if you can laugh about the things that conspire to ruin your day.

    Please continue to write. Even if I never see your writing again, I know someone will - and it will make their day brighter. You have a wonderful gift for the written word.

    Good luck.

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  86. I salute you sir. I only found this blog a month or so ago but I have read through every inch from my office desk in London with a smile (or cringe) plastered across my ugly mug. Good luck and you're yarns will be sorely missed.

    Who knows, maybe i'll bump into you in town.

    Thanks.

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  87. So you're her new Boss! Poetic Karmic Justice! There IS a God!

    And you are fully aware of what an incompetent, out-moded, fucked up liability she is. Are you going to fire her sorry a-yass? Or would that be too vindictive for your gentle koalan soul?

    Give her a really stiff 1-2-1 appraisal pointing out all the serious shortfalls in her performance and demand immediate improvements. Then watch her fearfully crawl round your ankles like the most miserable Gollum for the rest of her working life. Seems fair.

    Congratulations on becoming a suit... welcome to middle-aged, 4-bedroom suburbia. I hope you like golf.

    And really, thank you for an awesome, awesome ride. This blog has been the best thing on the net for me. You have a talent, don't waste it.

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  88. Koala,

    You're what RSS readers were invented for. Don't let this be the end of the writing. You've always found enough great stuff to write about without the help of TB. I hope there's a little epilogue in the future.

    Besides, you'll find plenty more material in England, trust me.

    Good luck fella.

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  89. *slow claps like the group in the airport at the end of the romcom. breaks down. recovers. slow claps again, smiling.*

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  90. Skillz. Say hello to branes.

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  91. What did she say when she heard the news? Will you please do your last day?

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  92. Excellent. Thank you for showing that intelligent, hardworking, decent people will be rewarded - however many TBs they have to put up with in the meantime.

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  93. Congratulations! Best of luck to you!

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  94. Many congratulations, great feeling when you finally get the paddle to navigate shit creek.

    As a self-confessed masochist, with self-esteem issues and a slight anti-social personality disorder is it possible for me to apply for your job.

    Just post yes, I am pretty sure where to apply to if your position is vacant.

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  95. Ahhh, Koala, It's all over! So many happy readings. If anyone at head office starts giving you difficult times with the Big Job you know it'll be time to start a new blog.

    See you on the 'book and SYB.

    Rock the shit out of the Big Job.

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  96. Huge congratulations to you! I wish you the best of luck in your new position. ^_^

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  97. WWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    Well done, I might actually get some work done now, Gonna miss ya, I was actually going to book myself into therapy as my mates tell me its NOT normal to have a crush on a koala or even a guy pretending to be a koala but hey a rich, powerful corporate koala, now thats a different story. If you are ever misfortunate to be in Wales, will gladly buy ya a pint :)

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  98. Well Done Clive ................but your not Clive and you know that don't you from your old pal the fat blues man .....your brilliant and you know it !

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  99. Well done sir, and good luck! I will be adding your facebook.

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  100. As the thrusting new boss, it is, of course, your responsibility to ensure all your staff are competent and trained...

    Soooo.... draw TB's attention to her piss-piss-piss-piss-poor computer skills and point out that they are entirely unsuitable for someone in her position and must be improved ASAFP. Then, making it appear as a positive investment in her future, send her on an intensive course of computer training. Make it a requirement of her continued employment that she pass the fucker.

    In my book that would be fair and justifiable pay-back for her genuinely abusive treatment of you and a chance for her to sort out her pathetic job-skills. She doesn't have to fail it, the choice is hers.

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  101. Going to miss reading this at work but this is awesome news, congrats! Enjoy England, I miss it. (Oz has nicer weather though)

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  102. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KXdryKrQEXo rolled into my playlist while I was reading the previous comments, as naff as that sounds.

    Your life had a window of madness, and you were willing to keep the curtains open for an entire year. Sadness and goodwill are being felt in equal measure. Yet I remain anxious to hear what happens during this 'Epilogue', your final fortnight with She Who Shall Not Be Named.

    I have a feeling we'll be crying at the conclusion, if not sooner, but it could be from laughter, sentimentality, or both. The beauty is that we can't possibly predict it.

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  103. Jesus, Koala. You're walking away from a fucking goldmine! Never again will you work a seam of such pure batshit fucknuttery.

    Are you sure about this? Really?;)

    All the very best and thanks for the laughs.

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  104. That is brilliant. We could all see that you're bright and talented - it's great to see that's been recognised by your company. Kick arse in your new job, have fun in your new home (ah, it's not so bad) and thank you for the great entertainment that has been Good After-Morning. Please buy the Boss some chocs from us and...maybe a rubber for who ever sits at your desk next. Cheers to you mate.

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  105. Woo! Go Koala!! You totally deserve it! But please don't stop the writing, I'd miss you!

    Also, how is she going to manage without you?

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  106. three words: Write A Book.

    and congratulations, this blog could never last forever (and I'm amazed you stuck it out for so long, I would have quit months ago) and it's nice to know it's the Mega-Happy Ending.

    I give her a week before she has a nervous breakdown and is taken away in a straight jacket screaming about Ronan Keating.

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  107. Oh, wow - thank you so much, everyone - I'll try to write proper replies later but I've just arrived home to be completely overwhelmed by all the well-wishings here - thank you so much :)

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  108. I'm happy for you and sad for all of your readers, and I totally think you should write a book because while you were given material from the heavens, you were the one who made it funny and compelling for your readers.

    Also, you owe us one last post about how the Boss took the news.

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  109. YES! Fucking YES!

    I've enjoyed reading this blog because it's well-written and, in a completely selfish way, it helped me feel less alone in my own dysfunctional workplace, but I'm extremely happy that you will no longer have to deal with the daily insanity which I suspect was taking a very real and toll on you, no matter how humorously you relayed the events. Congratulations, Koala. :)

    -- cheekytubemouse

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  110. I've never commented here before but I felt this would be extremely appropriate even though I've only been following this past couple of weeks but....

    CONGRATULATIONS!!!

    You deserve it.

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  111. I've been lurking for a fair while and I now feel pretty bad that the only comment I ever made involved a blue bouncy ball and didn't thank you for the hours I've spent escaping my hell hole by reading about yours.

    also 'I AM Kadir-FUCKING-Buxton you fuck. ' made me laugh A LOT. (Cleary I am also a SYB lurker- I cant help myself).

    Good luck, glad you're getting the fuck out of there.
    Missing you already.
    x

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  112. Big congrats! Couldn´t have happened to a more deserving marsupial.

    *sniff*

    God, I love a happy ending.

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  113. SK, I don't think I've commented here before, but I've been reading for a long time. Sorry to see you go, but it's great that you're moving on to better things. Cheers pal.

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  114. FUCKING CONGRATULATIONS!

    This is the best news I've heard in ages! Of course I'm sorry that the blog is over, but I'm really happy that it ended like this, as opposed to just kind of petering out. Closure, yanno?

    I left my kill-me-now job in January and even though I went straight back to waitressing (I knew that Oxford degree would come in handy), I've not looked back. Escaping from the mind-fucking vortex of a crazy boss is truly exhilarating, and I'm glad it's your turn now.

    If you're ever in Oxford and want to get really, really drunk, convo me. Or something.

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  115. If anyone ever, in the entire time the world has existed, deserved such an awesome and wonderful chance to go do brilliant things, it is you. Thank you for sharing the hell of your job and, in doing so, making the hell of my own a little less intolerable.

    *salutes you*

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  116. CONGRATS & BEST WISHES
    you will be missed...


    are we invited to your going away party?

    There *will* be a party throw by TB , right??

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  117. SK's coming to London! Whoo-hoo! Well I've never commented either, but have enjoyed your blog for months now. I'm glad to see good things come to those that deserve it. Take care of yourself in the Big Smoke and let us know if you ever start up a blog again - your writing style is highly amusing. Take care koala bear!

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  118. Well done my friend.
    Hope the new job is much better.

    It's been fun, Catch ya later dude.

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  119. If you're now TB's boss, does that make you dependant on her doing things and responsible for her cockups ? You poor bastard, I can see plenty of blog material yet ...

    Serious congrats, serious good luck, and thanks for the laughs :)

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  120. I love you Koala, and so does my wife.

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  121. Dude. That is awesome. Congratulations! I've felt your frustration and laughed with you at the insanity.

    Fly, be free!
    *twirls you*

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  122. the best ending ever!! good things come to those you work their ass off!
    congrats koala, wish you well in your new position.

    don't stop writing, i'm sure there's some way you could put a hilarious spin on even the most mundane misadventure.
    love your blog, will be keeping an eye out for more from you

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  123. I'm...so happy! No, no... I'm not crying, I just have something in my eye. In both eyes.

    Seriously, your blog is pretty much the funniest thing I've ever read, and I can't think of anyone who deserves to be happy and successful more than you in return for all the hilarity and entertainment you have brought us, not to mention for your superhuman resolve to stick it out through all those torturous days!

    Congrats and good luck and all that stuff!

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  124. Great news! All the best for the future.

    (And you can't be Kadir-Buxton. He would've sorted out all that vulva trouble, AND cured The Boss...)

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  125. Congrats mate. Many, many congrats. You'll be missed tho.

    You'll like England (you have quite a few friends here already, after all), so don't worry about that.

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  126. Damn, I always had visions of this ending in a murder-suicide bloodbath and hearing about it on the evening news.

    Still I am delighted for you that you've got a great new job over here on the mainland. Your blog has definitely brightened my day and I've admired your resolve on sticking with it.

    And is it wrong of me to hope, just a little bit, that you get another bat-shit crazy boss to blog about?

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  127. I will miss this blog. It's seeped into my consciousness I found myself typing into a discussion forum recently.

    "Here's me: Wha?"


    Fucking well done mate. Congrats on the new job.

    God bless you and Ronan Keating and may your new job grant you all the shiny new rubbers you could ever hope for.

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  128. Congrats - fantastic news and a fantastic blog.

    Thanks for all the laughs. Wishing you lots of happiness in your new job.

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  129. Another lurker wanting to say "well done, really happy for you, you deserve it, seriously going to miss the blog, thanks a million" along with everyone else.

    Best of luck!

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  130. Wow. Massive congratulations on the promotion. Will really miss your tales of madness that always make me belly laugh. Good luck!

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  131. You know, I did love the boss. But that's down to you, as I don't know if anyone else could have written her as funnily as you have.

    And congratulations x1000 on your move, you shouldn't stop writing in some form or another.

    Will we ever know how she reacted to the news? Not to mention, what's in her desk drawers?

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  132. I only became aware of your blog a few weeks ago (my own boss sent me the link!) but it's been a great read. And a good reminder that I'm not the only one to have a workplace that borders on surreal. Thank you for the laughs, and good luck.

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  133. Wonderful news Koala! What will we all do now?
    Congratulations--just remember what annoyed you about THE BOSS and never let anyone else suffer like you have!
    You sound as though you could spend your time in our fair Capital permanently pissed!

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  134. i'm delighted koala.

    you deserve it :)

    all the best
    ------------------------
    does some other poor sod have to work with TB now?

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  135. Awesome. I can't remember how I stumbled by your blog but I've been hooked for ages. Congratulations on the new job - here's hoping there's a story or two for you to tell from there...

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  136. Congrats, Koala. I wish the blog could continue, but I understand that seasons change. Good luck. Thanks for the laughs. It's truly been priceless.

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  137. Can't believe I've only just found out... I normally check every other day for your sheer brilliant, caustic insights on the crazed being that is TB. All the best, so well deserved its untrue and thank you so much!

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  138. Wow, good for you! I've only been reading for a few months and I've really enjoyed following your, and her, exploits. I'd happily recommend this to anyone and if you were to consider publishing a book I'm sure it'd do very well.

    Good luck in the new job. I'd say I hope your new boss is nice and stable, but I'd be lying :)

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  139. Well, shit. What am I gonna read now? Massive congrats SK. I think a drink in London is in order for your Blighty fans - what say you? It's on us...

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  140. Welcome to the big smoke Koala....

    Thanks for all the laughs.

    Sarah.

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  141. Well done on new job Silent Koala, your blog kept me sane and laughing through hard times, heartbreak and file hell! Also a loss for Belfast!

    - Sarah, another Belfast expat who defected to England

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  142. "*slow claps like the group in the airport at the end of the romcom. breaks down. recovers. slow claps again, smiling.*"

    I think I saw that movie. Is it the one where the lead has to juggle his love life with curing mental illness, solving the world's energy problems and inventing something better than sex? Who'd have thought Andy Kadir-Buxton's talents extend to screenwriting too...

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  143. Congratulations! I've never commented before, but have loved your blog. Helps me cope with the craziness at my office. I figure if you can soldier on, I should be able to. We've got crazy here, but not at your level.
    Best of luck. I'll miss you.

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  144. Sitcom. One room, two characters. Do it.

    Dave

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  145. SK, you should host an evening of drinks in London when you're settled. Two conditions: 1, you have to let people buy you drinks all night. 2, you have to bring the issue of Metal Hammer you're in.

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  146. Congratulations!
    Is someone going to be hired to fill your old position? 'Cos I seriously pity that poor bugger.

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  147. It's been quite a few days and very quiet on GAMs blog... I was hoping we'd be regaled with TBs inevitable tears and tantrums.

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  148. Here are my belated wishes of good luck in all your Executive Fucking Koala exploits. I'll be sorry to see one of the best blogs I've ever read come to an end, but glad that it's ended in the way it has - you deserve this. But please please PLEASE give us one more update on your final days with TB before you leave for your fantastic new job!

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  149. Wow, perfect ending to an excellent blog. Congratulations! The powers that be have obviously noticed who's the real brains behind the operation in Belfast! Going to miss reading about your hideous days with TB, although I'm sure you won't miss them as much.

    Bet she'll still ring you up to ask daft questions though! Perhaps your replacement could carry on the blog so we still get to hear about her bonkers behaviour?

    All the best, and thanks for sharing your daily pain with us!

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  150. Congratulations Koala! What a nice little love-in this page's turned into.

    First thing to do when you get to your new job: buy a nice. new. shiny. fucking. rubber.

    Bliss!

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  151. This kind of reminds me of the end of the Truman show.

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  152. /Sad mode on

    I have followed your blog for months but never said hello and now I fear it's too late.

    Your words have kept me sane after my work colleague descended into batshit madness and it was comforting to know that I wasn't alone.

    /sad off

    Best of luck to you lovey. I think it's about time I hauled arse out of this place as well. You never know, the madness might be contagious and one of your new colleagues might start writing about you!

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  153. "Who'd have thought Andy Kadir-Buxton's talents extend to screenwriting too..."

    He's teamed up with Cuger Brant, obviously.

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  154. Wild! Well, gratz and that. Like a lot of people have said already you have a lot of comedy talent, and it would be a real shame if you never make me literally fall off my chair laughing again...this blog has been my favourite sitcom ever. I never imagined it would end happily and frankly I'm more stoked than I can make sense of :)
    Well, I hope that at some point you re-do this blog as a book, or a film, or whatever. For what it's worth it has been a privilege to both laugh at and share your pain. Best blog ever.

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  155. Congrats!! :)
    I took work in a mental place and your blog has kept me sane for many a month so thank you, thank you, thank you for that kind sir. Good luck in England with your un-touched shiny new rubbers!!

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  156. Koala!!! Noooooooo! I mean, good on ya, but I'll muss this, I've been Reading and commenting since this madness launched!! Thanks for making me laugh!! Congratulations!!

    Will miss this.

    Hope you still write stuff now and then.

    Well done :D x

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  157. Thank you all, again - and I'm sorry for not responding, because there are so many touching, funny, brilliant comments here I'd love to be able to spend a good couple of hours writing back.

    I've shipped a lot of shit in my time, I like to think I can ship damn near anything. I've shipped human organs and I've shipped whole fucking ships. And much of this has been done with TB around, and has been stressful. And quite honestly, I don't think I've ever experienced the nervous tension I'm now under from trying to ship my entire life to a different country on really short notice surrounded by some serious deadlines. I'm surrounded right now by all kinds of packaging materials and all kinds of things that seemingly cannot possibly be packaged; and I've got just a few days to get all this sorted and make a load of arrangements, in between still working like a maniac during the day, and frankly I may need fucking valium within, ooh, the next three hours. Or now, if you have one handy.

    Your support is awesome. I'm blown away by how many comments and what you've all said. Seriously. You people have really helped, you've really actually properly fucking seriously made a difference in my life. It's epic. I'm overwhelmed, I'm actually overwhelmed, and I am not a guy who whelms easily. I wish I could say something better or smarter or more poetic right now, but my mind is racing too much. And I have to get back to packing, and booking... ah, shit, it'll all work out ok, right? :D

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  158. 'Course it'll work out OK - you know that. Just get this hiatus period out of the way and get back to blogging. You do realise that since you announced the end of this blog, you've acquired four more followers? Fuck man - your people need you!

    Seriously, it'll be OK. You'll hack it fine.

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  159. All the best for the future, your posts have always made me smile and I am so happy you have your break :)

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  160. Wonderful, now I will have to remove good after mornings from my google reader, talk about a bloody hassle.

    In all seriousness, thanks for one of the funniest and most heartfelt blogs I have ever read. While I would wish you the best for the future I secretly hope that your new job will be even more bizarre and your new boss, even more batshit fucking crazy so we can continue to enjoy your ever more desperate escapades.

    Good job sir!

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  161. I'm stoked, really, that you have a marvellous new job. You deserve it not only for having put up with TB for so long (although it did result in this epically hilarious blog), but I'm sure also for being absolutely stellar at your job. I'm gonna miss this blog, though. Like I'd miss a limb. So thanks, from the bottom of my heart for writing it because it was always a lesson in comic writing and timing, as well as being one of the most truly human things on the web. Thanks, and best of luck.

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  162. Congrats Koala!

    Just read through the lot and I guess there was a light at the end of the boss's tunnel... er..

    Anyhoo, perhaps when you are in your lofty pirch you'll spend a moment reflecting on the fate of the poor, poor bastard(ette) who'll be taking your place.

    Perhaps a phone call and a suggestion to make a blog is in order?

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  163. I... think, though cannot CLAIM, to speak for many readers, when I say - you need time to move - time to settle in. We get that, we are chuffed for ya!

    But... dare I hesitantly say it - ONE, reaction shot from The Boss, when you get time? Please? Just, one last byte from her hellish circuitry, a final farewell? Doesn't have to be funny?

    'Coz you wrote this post all burning bridges and not knowing how much love you'd be showered with (comment bukkake is the new pr0n!) and, y'know, we're made up for you, so - chuck us a morsel, eh, when you find your furry feet in the big city - and meanwhile, we're still here and glad and things... happy endings don't come often on a blog, and if we never hear from you again, 's okay! ;)

    Aw, I've gone all gooey! =D

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  164. Congratu-fucking-lations!

    It couldn't have happened to a more deserving guy!

    And I agree with those above who'd love to see you continue this blog. It wasn't just The Boss that made it awesome. It was your writing.

    All the best in all your future endeavors!

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