I was in Nottingham a couple of months ago with a couple of friends, went to see the very excellent Masters of Reality at the Rescue Rooms. Nice place, by sheer good fortune the day we were there also happened to be an ale festival at Nottingham Castle, which was nice. So anyway we went to the show, had a good time, swanned about the town and got absolutely stinking drunk, as you do. Managed all this without being stabbed or shot at, not even once, so either we're incredibly lucky or the Daily Mail is just a BIG FAT SMELLY SHEET OF DIRTY FUCKING LIES FOR REACTIONARY FUCKWITS. In fact I think they could actually change the name of the paper to that without affecting the readership figures at all.
Anyway, I digress. The next morning, slightly the worse for wear, the three of us made our way back to Nottingham airport for the flight home, and at the terminal gate were boarded onto one of those big runway-bound bus affairs. This process took about twenty minutes, by the time a bunch of human specimens managed to drag themselves in, remembered to seize the children, generally faffed about, etc. - the big bus then pulled off, drove about twenty yards forward, and stopped beside the plane.
As we got off the bus and wandered up the aircraft stairs through the thick hangover-fog one of my friends wondered aloud "Why in the hell is it necessary to put us on a bus to go fifty feet across this empty stretch of tarmac to the plane?" and the answer came to my lips with no pause for thought at all :
"Because we're stupid. Because we are so fundamentally fucking stupid as a species, that in all likelihood this sixty-person group of us could not manage to walk the 30-second long journey from there to there without at least two fatalities. We are only allowed to walk the ten feet from the bus to the aircraft because any further we are simply too fucking stupid to manage." (That may seem a bit negative, admittedly I was the person getting on a plane with a head that felt like it had been stood on by a hippo)
My misanthropic musings were interrupted by the sound of a man tripping and going arse-over-tit over the single large and luminous bright orange traffic cone that had been set to indicate "this is a jet engine, stay the fuck away from it, stupid".
Because we're stupid. We're very clever, sometimes, certainly, yes, but we're definitely quite bloody stupid in any given cross-section.
And I'm probably stupider than that again.
So anyway, I must give a shout to the very fantastic spEak You're bRanes which sort of corrals up stupidity and displays it for the amusement of others. By analyzing our stupids in great depth, perhaps we may becomes less more stupider than we was. And hey, it's Friday. Have a bloody great weekend. I'm away for a drink.
x
You're missing the point: why do they not serve peanuts and soft drinks on the 15 second bus journey from the departure gate to the plane?!
ReplyDeleteThe people demand to be told!
Indeed, people en masse are stupid, which is why the airlines have to ferry us (as best they can) from door to door...a bit like sheep...in fact, very much like sheep.
ReplyDeleteI, myself, am a Christmas sheep; baaaah fucking humbug.
Anyway, have a good drink, you need it!
Looking forward to the next...episode?...seriously, this could be the next 'The Office'.
Koala,
ReplyDeleteSelfishly I want you to stay in the job forever, but you must know that someone of your ability and attitude could get another, better job like that (snaps fingers). It's hugely entertaining to read about someone intelligent, literate and competent in thrall to an idiot. I think your boss has a disorder myself.
I found your fantastic blog from the speak you're branes 'forum'
ReplyDeleteI think I love you
I think I love your boss a little bit more...
You two are Steptoe and Son for the 21st century. Dysfunctional, tragic, claustrophobic, interdependant and ultimately forgiving. There were times I wanted to rage and howl and reach down the net and kill her... but I was too busy laughing.
ReplyDeleteBut, S.K., one day... oh, one day, she's going to look up from her electric typewriter, all confused, and say, "Who's Sally Cola?"
Here's you, "wha?"
"Have you read the email about Silicon Coma?"
Here's you... "Nope"
"Silesian Kerela?"
Here's you, "Um..."
"Solent Coral"
Here's you, 'now... maybe... look... er...'
"Apparently someone called Sir Len Kumala's been hacking into our printer. Do you know anything about this?"
and then it all comes horribly undone.
So you have to kill her, now, before she finds out. It's the only way. Kill her. Put her body on a banana boat to Dhaka, South America. Kill Her. Kiiiiiill her. Give in to your feelings... Eviscerate her with the invoice stapler.
Or a paperclip. If you have any left.
ReplyDeleteWould that be East Midlands Airport, no longer even called Nottingham East Midlands partly on the grounds of it being closer to other places than Nottingham? *sends death ray from Derby* Or did you mean the place actually called Nottingham Airport which is just an airfield and people got them mixed up (people who mix those up to the extent of going to the wrong one probably are stupid enough to not be allowed to walk across the tarmac, but that has happened), hence re-renaming EMA.
ReplyDeleteI fly to and from there fairly often and have only occasionally had the faff with the bus, usually they do let us walk over the tarmac. However, this did once cause a longer delay than if they'd used buses as a Ryanair flight boarded at the same time as we were trying to get off, leading to a 10 minute wait for the endless snake of people blocking the terminal entrance to disperse.
I've done that 20 yard bus ride several times. It's PC gone mad, I tell you. But EMA is still my favourite airport, I confess. I don't like Nottingham though - it's full of forrins, and someone broke into my car there once. Probably a forrin. Or a local. Bastard.
ReplyDeleteThis rather reminds me of the old Australian sitcom Mother and Son. Be glad she's not your landlady or worse!
ReplyDeleteThis is why they should let people wander randomly about airports - for the funnies:
ReplyDeletewww.outube.com/watch?v=L_gpPbPONK4
Got here from b3ta. Pure gold.
ReplyDeleteTell me, has the Boss ever tried to fax cash to pay bills with?
I feel your pain and I offer you this: http://largegreyarea.blogspot.com/2009/04/cuff-deep-in-genius.html
ReplyDeleteThe Steptoe & Son reference works perfectly I think.
ReplyDeleteYeah, it was East Midlands airport. I almost remembered something else there but it's gone now.
Love the blog - found you via s y b. However, if you did mean East Midlands Airport then you can fuck off. Its in Leicestershire - the bastards had 3 points off us on Saturday so they're not getting our airport an'all.
ReplyDeleteIf you did mean Nottingham airport - and you geo is usually spot on - then I am a chimps chuff and apologise.
I too discovered you through the good offices of b3ta.
ReplyDeletePure Gold!
Quintessential Blogmastery!
Having worked in IT support for many moons, it is all too easy to empathise with the cerebral bog-snorkelling involved in dealing with such people.
Will be visiting regularly....
"Yeah, it was East Midlands airport. I almost remembered something else there but it's gone now."
ReplyDeleteSo, you called something by the wrong name, then lost your train of thought?
That's probably how she started out - run in case she's infecting you with airbrain!
(Love the blog btw, just found you via b3ta too and read through to here from the first post!)