Tuesday, 15 December 2009

The Appropriate Response



"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane"

Philip K. Dick


I'm sitting here with my brain running out of my ears. Honestly. I'm pretty sure that's a liquefied part of my temporal lobe I can feel coming out of my right ear, just now. If it really is, and seriously, I fucking think it is too, it'll diminish my perceived enjoyment of music, I'm almost certain.

So anyway, I'm trying to operate this fucking wankstick whoredog of a system which I may previously have described as, uh, intuitive and well laid out or some other optimistic bullshit, and it probably just seems so difficult and time-consuming because I'm new to it and so on, yes, this must be the case but fuck me this would all be so much easier if The Boss would please, pretty please, just shut the fuck up, just for a few minutes, please PLEASE PLEASE JUST FUCKING SHUT THE FUCKING FUCK UP. FUCK.

I've withstood 'La Cucharach-A!, La Cucharach-A!, doop dee dooby dooby doo', for most of the day, I've witnessed another escalation in her fucking crazy waste-paper-basket-Ju-Ju, I've suffered the inane questions and random statements without (much) complaint, I've told her what fucking date it is at least three fucking times, I've refrained from smashing the fucking office up when a short while ago she calmly asked 'are you busy?' but I swear, I swear I FECKING SWEAR TAE FECKING FECK, one more fucking attempt at a fucking helpful fucking suggestion and I am fetching the fucking fire axe.

The Boss, hovering behind me : "Click that."

Here's me : "Look. I'm working through it, ok?"

The Boss : "What are you trying to do?"

Here's me : "Add an empty container."

The Boss : "Click there."

Here's me : "Where?"

The Boss : "There" - jabs finger - "where it says 'add empty'".

Here's me : "That says 'add entry'. That is to add a whole new consignment."

The Boss : "That's close enough, isn't it?"

Well fuck me, you've only just gone and revolutionized fucking computing with one fell fucking swoop.

Here's me : "Look. I need to concentrate. Give my head peace."

The Boss : "You should have been listening to Thurston."

Here's me, I think I actually just bit part of my own tongue off : "Fuuuuuuckkkkkkkkk....."

The Boss : "Call him and ask him."

Here's me : "Pleeeeease. Just. Please. Leave me alone. For five minutes. Please. I'll work it out."

The Boss : "Well, you'd better."

Here's me, suddenly actually listening to the woman, you understand this is not delivered as a question, it is a warning shot, a chance to recant : "what"

The Boss : "You'd better be sure you understand everything about this."

Here's me : "whatdidyousay"

The Boss : "Well I hope you do, because as soon as I have a booking to put on you'll have to show me how!"






The endtimes are surely upon us.






























(actually probably just upon me, no need for alarm)




































(fuck)

43 comments:

  1. Poor Koala!!! I hope you survive the busy season.

    Your trials seem to have caused an embarrassment (acceptable collective noun) of young girls to feel maternal towards you! If S from the comments below runs off with Stefhurston, I'm sure I could manage to warm your slippers and pour your brandy.

    I'll even let you read my sci-fi.

    Stay strong!

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  2. @ elle - fight you for him! ;0) I've given Thurstfan the bum's rush; it is clear that my duty is to my furry marsupial fiance, er, I mean friend and I must share these end times with him.

    I've been trying to read myself to sleep, insomniac that I am, and I thought I'd just have a final dose of Koala before I turned the light off. I'm now so horrified at The Boss that my elbows are *actually itching* and sleep is a fond hope.

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  3. Ahh, I'm not the combative sort. You guys face the endtimes together, I'll stand on the sidelines shouting encouragement and, err, handing out segments of oranges.

    Hope you get to sleep and don't have nightmares of Bosshoggoth.

    I am on the other side of the world choking down my first cup of odd-tasting office coffee, glad that while the people I work for are forrin (making me, of course, a dirty immigrunt) they are at least mostly sane.

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  4. Southern California checking in - Specifics may be different, but we have the same boss, same drama - I'm completely addicted to your blog - one question: do you "really" get to swear that much or is it just "dramatic license"?

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  5. Koala, you are my favourite marsupial ever.

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  6. Maternal instincts my ass; I've never had a crush on a Koala before. I am, however, enjoying this one thoroughly. Also: I fight dirty, ladies. xoxo

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  7. Crushes aside, I think your blog is turning into disaster porn. Seriously, it's like the 2012 of work blogs. Except it's not total shit John Cusack should be fucking ashamed of. Quite the opposite in fact.

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  8. @Lisa in SoCal, swearing's really not such a big deal for us here in England as it is in the States, and from what I know in Ireland it's much the same for most folks, one of my Irish colleagues was given to liberally peppering her conversation with the F-word and it's just not that big a deal.

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  9. No offence Koala, but I really want to see you descend into the midst of insanity and view the ensuing carnage.

    Maybe it's just because I don't want to mother or marry you, maybe it's just because I'm sick - or maybe it's because I'm secretly rooting for your boss..only time will tell ;)

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  10. I was actually chastised by my British boss for not having enough of a pottymouth at work.

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  11. Everytime you mention la cucaracha it makes me sing if for several hours afterwards. My workmates think I'm losing it, maybe one of my team members will start a blog about my mental demise and The Boss will have a condition named after her.

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  12. At least you dont work for a company with a corny name like A2B couriers. That would just be the very end. Well I assume you don't.

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  13. In reference to above post, I think John Cusack should play Koala in Good After-Morning!: The Movie. Koala, whom would you cast as The Boss?

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  14. *blushes*

    Thanks all :)

    Penny - The late Anne Ramsey would have been ideal, but I think Kathy Bates could probably pull it off.


    Today The Boss is singing "Santa Claus, Santa Claus, Santa all the way" to the tune of "Jingle Bells."

    Over.
    And.
    Over.
    And.
    Over...

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  15. It's a shame you're probably not able to fully appreciate how funny that is when it's typed down, and not repeated ad nauseum by Kathy Bates' mentalist twin sister. I read it and managed to hit mute juuuust before exploding into laughter during a boring conference call.

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  16. i think it's time you erected a punching bag by your desk. just right KB on it for king boss.

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  17. Over.
    And.
    Over.
    And.
    Over...

    And out.

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  18. On the above mention of how truly fucking awful the Irish often are when it comes to their bad language, this is from the Irish Parliament a couple of days back. Brilliant :

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8TRXJ0SHm4

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  19. So Cal here - seems to be more than one "Lisa" commenting...anyway -
    @ Koala and Chimphead - thank you! I'll just attribute my liberal use of profanity to my Irish heritage! I still can't get away with it with my boss...what the fuck can you do...?*sigh* ;)

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  20. I was about to ask you to describe The Boss' appearance for me Koala, y'know, just to make the mental picture complete - when Penny basically beat me to it. If you chose Kathy Bates as an actress to play her, I presume she looks like Kathy Bates?

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  21. Ah Koala - cross that little stream on over here to Scotland - we can swear at our addional support challenged bosses together!

    It's almost the holidays! Try to hold on for a few more days!

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  22. I believe a change of pseudonym to "Screaming Koala" may be shortly in order.

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  23. So Cal here:
    @Penny - Cusack seems a bit old to portray Koala - jmo - I'm thinking Orlando Bloom?? - sweet face/sharp wit?? Typical of Koala's "spot on" descriptions - that he would cast Anne Ramsey as "boss" speaks volumes - and makes all posts that much more hysterical...Kathy Bates could most surely rock the fuck out of a character like that! Hollywood's just up the freeway Koala - let me know when you need a script delivered!!

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  24. Maybe Cusack circa Grosse Pointe Blank. Or a young Robert Downey Jr?

    Sadly Micheal Dougals as William D-Fens Foster might turn out to be more appropriate.

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  25. you need a holiday, your boss needs to get married...

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  26. Has to be Colin Farrell...

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  27. Colin Farrell does have the same surly drunk quality my Australian tells me koalas have.

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  28. I reckon Edward Norton would make a good Koala...can I be the romantic interest? ;)

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  29. I see Clive Owen as Koala, with Gwynneth Paltrow as The Boss. In a moment of exquisite insight, Koala realises that she's wearing the wrong prescription glasses...

    The End.

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  30. Oh, Koala, please tell me you're tall and lanky, or large and fuzzy. James McAvoy or Seth Rogen. But surlier, and with more propensity for drink and effective swearing.

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  31. Yayy 200 followers!! Congrats to El Koala!

    psst...cast me as the romantic lead and you'll get free espressos for evermore.. ;) xo

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  32. Being from the US myself, I can't help but want my Northern Irish friend to start figuring out what shipping companies have small offices in Belfast just to check up on Koala here. While amusing to read (sorry) sometimes the entries do make me worry a bit -- keep strong, oh marsupial! :) erm...and is there any chance nepotism or something similar is at work here? I mean, really, how DID she end up as your *boss*? She seems as mental as a whole loony bin.

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  33. Keep it together Koala - I was a Customs Broker for 12 years and I know this isn't the easiest time of the year even when you're only dealing with normal people. Can't imagine what your office is like at the moment !

    Gary, Auckland.

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  34. Ever considered any action to remedy your situation K?

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  35. too much time sans comment - holding a good thought for you Koala

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  36. I just had a 'koala moment' of my own.
    My boss for some inexplicable reason, has the viewing pane for outlook on the right.
    This means he can see the first few words of each line of text on an e-mail. (If you have the viewing pane on the bottom you can see the first few whole lines).
    I e-mailed him some instructions to execute and went down to make sure he did them properly. He didn't open the e-mail (as this is beneath him) so started to instruct our bank from the viewing pane. As soon as he realised the information was incomplete he was flapping his arms and frothing at the mouth because I hadn't sent full instructions.
    Eventually I coerced him to open the e-mail and he calmed down on seeing the full instructions.

    See? You are not alone?

    Why no new posts? Been rumbled?

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  37. Koala is in a busy period, I'm pretty sure he said that he probably wouldn't post much till the new year.

    MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR KOALA.

    and to you all.

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  38. Hey kid [joey? what's the form here?]

    I'm assuming there's been no let-up in the full frontal madness assault recently.
    For what its worth, my Boss's reply to a question from my co-worker and I about how we should go about conducting some research and presenting the results was "Let's each go in as separate fish."

    Suicide? Or murder? Or murder-suicide? Or murder made to look like suicide? Who's going to look that closely, right?

    Um. Merry Christmas.

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  39. Merry Christmas El K...hope you have a good one ;) x

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  40. Merry Christmas K - hope you got some time off for R&R ;)

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  41. He's obviously on a much needed Christmas break. As much as I feel sorry for him, I can't wait for him to get back to work!

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  42. Wow, I thought my lazy boss was bad. Throwing me on the phone to make estimates when I had no idea what or who I was estimating. But this woman...I really think she might be one of the seals of the apocalypse. I don't understand how someone could make it through adolescence like that, much less funtion as an adult...as a BOSS. God have mercy.

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  43. (slightly late) Merry Christmas folks, thank you for your support (and/or vicarious enjoyment of me slowly losing my mind) :)

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