Stupidity Welcomes Careful Drivers

Apologies for the lack of recent updates - it's been a hectic few weeks. The Boss has had a lot of time off, which first led to a lack of anything interesting to write about, and then The Boss returned and has been making my life hell ever since, and I haven't been able to get the head above water long enough to pen it down for you. There are a few anecdotes that occurred in the meantime that I shall share with you retrospectively as soon as the vein in the side of my head stops pounding like a piston in a diesel locomotive.

I thought I was maybe going to get a break today since The Boss is out on the road visiting a customer - no such luck, so far she's phoned me three times and she's only been gone for an hour. She's trying to find a particular location in the countryside and despite having been there previously numerous times is once again completely lost. She does have GPS but is basically too stupid to follow it's instructions, so instead phones me with such informations as "I'm at a Shell filling station... any idea where I go from here?".

The process of giving directions over the phone to a total fucking idiot who can neither tell me where they actually are, left from right, or what direction they're facing in - painful, in the extreme. It went like this - and indeed is still ongoing, the last phone call came in while I was mid-paragraph there.

The Boss was supposed to have rates prepared for this customer before going in to see them, but naturally, has not done it, and instead asks me to do it on her way out the door. Shortly after that :

Phone Call #1 :

The Boss : "Can you make sure you get the rates through to me before I go into see the customer?"

Here's me : "Yes."

The Boss : "When will you do them?"

Here's me : "Now."

GPS : "AT THE NEXT EXIT, TURN LEFT"

The Boss : "Will you phone me with them?"

Here's me : "Yes."

GPS : "YOU HAVE MISSED YOUR JUNCTION. AT THE NEXT EXIT TURN LEFT."

The Boss : "When?"

Here's me : "As soon as you get off the phone and let me do them?"

We hang up and around 30 seconds pass before :

Phone Call # 2 :

The Boss : "I'm outside Shellbourne Filling Station. Any idea where Mullavilly Road is from there?"

Here's me : "Hang on... " [googles it] "... ok, you're on the Tandragee Road. What direction are you facing?"

GPS : "IN THREE HUNDRED YARDS TURN RIGHT"

The Boss : "Up."

GPS : "NOW TURN RIGHT"

Here's me : "If you're not actually using the GPS could you please TURN THE GODDAMN THING OFF. I mean what direction as in North or South."

The Boss : "I don't know how to turn it off. How am I supposed to know North from South? I don't have a compass with me you know!"

Here's me : "Well you left on this road, headed South, so unless you've turned around, you're still facing South. Have you turned around?"

The Boss : "I don't think so."

Here's me : "Ok, then presumably you are still facing South. keep going for about half a mile, you'll hit a cross-roads, turn right and that's the Mullavilly Road."

OK, that shoulda been that. We hang up again. I go and look for the information regarding the rates on The Bosses bomb-site of a desk. I'm still looking when :

Phone Call #3 :

The Boss : "Do you have the rates yet?"

Here's me : "No, I'm still trying to find the information on your desk. Any idea where it is?"

The Boss : "It's maybe.. in one of the files.. under..

... no. Maybe. Just take a look."

Here's me : [sigh] "OK."

The Boss : "I'm on the Armagh Road now, where do I go from here."

A pause while I load up Google Maps again.

Here's me : "You've gone about a mile too far - turn round and head back North, about a mile, Mulavilly Road is to the left of the crossroads."

The Boss : "You said it was on the right."

Here's me (clenched teeth again): "It was on the right, but now that have turned around, it will be on the left."

The Boss : "So it's definitely this way?"

Here's me, all plosives and tension : "Well. I don't know. What way. You are facing. So I. Cannot say. For sure."

The Boss : "Down."

Here's me : "Google Maps does not show me the angle of incline of the road, could you perhaps just tell me if you've turned the car around and are now heading back the way you came?"

The Boss : "I think so."

Here's me : "You think so? You don't know whether you've just turned the car around?"

The Boss : "It doesn't look familiar."

Here's me : "But you've been here like twenty times before!"

The Boss : "But I dont' recognise it."

Here's me : "OK, OK, OK. Can you see any landmark, street name, anything that I can use to figure out where you are?"

The Boss : "There's roadworks."

Here's me : "Neither does Google Maps show me roadworks."

The Boss : "Oh wait, here it is now, Mulavilly Road."

Here's me : "Thank fuck. OK, you're sorted?"

The Boss : "Yeah. Have you done the rate yet?"

Here's me : "NO!!!"

The Boss : "I told you I needed that before I went in to the customer!"

Here's me : "I'VE BEEN ON THE CHRISTING PHONE WITH YOU SINCE THE LAST TIME YOU ASKED ME THAT!"!

The Boss : "You should have said."

I literally just let the phone fall away from my ear and clatter to the desk. For all I know she's still talking away to me down there.