Tuesday, 10 March 2009

Bank Account Numba And Sort Code Pleeze

The Boss is frowning heavily at the screen. I am detecting this, of course, for by now I am surely well tuned in to the vibration that tells me gross stupidity is about to erupt.

"Would you..."

Oh Gods let it be something painless.

"Would you have..."

Come on come on come on come on gedditoverwith.

"Would you have any emails that I don't have?"

There is a silence for several seconds while I consider what this might mean, and in a fit of mental gymnastics that would impress Gary Kasparov, I work through a whole range of possible outcomes for various answers I might give.

Non-committal is the way forward.

Here's me : "Eh... what do you mean?"

"Would you have got any emails that I haven't got?"

Here's me : "Well... yes..? Any in particular?"

"We've received £15 paid into the bank by Mr. Motunbo".

Carefully blank expression.

Here's me : "Yes? Motunbo, yes. James. Nice fella. What about it?"

"Do you know what it's for?"

Here's me : "No?"

"It's a bit suspicious"

Here's me : "Ahhhhh.... why?"

I am fully aware, believe me, of the critical error I have just committed. I am the cat that curiosity killed, skinned and ate.

"I don't remember him owing us anything."

Here's me : "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... why not ask Accounts for a statement?"

"I don't want to go down that road."

Such statements are frighteningly common; a seemingly quick, simple effective solution is dismissed with a thought-terminating-cliché. She continues :

"Can he do anything to us with that?"

I feel my eyes close, involuntarily, and my hand begins to massage my left temple.
Caution, now, caution young Koala. You may be about to drill right through into a seam of purest idiocy. Be ready.

Here's me : "Anything... such as...?"

"Just can he do anything with it."

Here's me : "Again... anything like what?"

"Can he find out about us? Our address or anything?"

Let me recap. This may be unclear and confusing; if so, you're reading it correctly.
A customer - yes, he is a customer - has deposited money into our bank account. For many businesses this is not only normal but is indeed sort of 'The Point' of business happening. My nerves are fraying in anticipation of where this all leads.

Here's me : "Welllll.... he probably knows our address. Given that we're a publicly listed company. And it's on our invoices to him. And he's actually been in the building here. Given all of this, lodging money into our bank account seems a bit of a strange way to go to find out our address."

"I just thought it was suspicious, that's all. I don't like it. "

Here's me : "Wellll... why not ask accounts for a statement, that'll probably clear it right up" (speaking just a little too brightly, I feel, bright and yes indeed possible brittle)

"I don't want to go down that road."

She's still frowning at the screen, even now.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. I can't help but wonder what would happen if I were to send you $15 with an attached note sayng "For that thing you sent me"...

    How badly would she lock up?