Thursday, 25 June 2009

Mission Ridiculous

This takes the fucking cake, it really does.

I arrived to the office early this morning to discover something rather strange.

First I shall set the scene for you.

Our office is on the second floor (that's the third floor, if you're an American) and to gain entry one has to first pass through the front doors of the building; this requires both a key and a security code. One must then get through to where the elevator is; another security code. Upon arriving at the second floor, one must then pass through a third door requiring a security code, and finally use a key to access our office. The entire passage through from front door to our office is covered by CCTV cameras.

With me so far?

So anyway having completed this morning ritual, I came to the door of our office, and opened it to discover that on the other side, i.e. inside the office itself, the door was barricaded after a fashion with two chairs.

Rather than push them out of the way, Koala climbed over the top of them; I wanted to leave this scenario in place so that I could try to get some answers as to just what in the blue fuck was going on; and also to take a picture to share with you, because I really do feel that this needs to be shared.

Here is the scene, as taken from inside the office:

Confused? If you're not, you're not paying attention.

So. A short while later The Boss arrives in, and pushes her way through this DIY barracade. I say nothing and simply stare politely while carefully maintaining the most pleasant neutral expression possible under the circumstances.

The Boss moves the chairs back to their original positions and takes up residence at her desk.

I'm still staring, and finally she cracks.

The Boss : "What?"

Here's me : "Is there anything you'd like to tell me?"

The Boss : "No?"

I indicate the doorway with a slight gesture and continue to smile pleasantly.

The Boss : "I forgot my keys."

Here's me : "Yes?"

The Boss : "So I couldn't lock the door."

Here's me : "Yes?"

The Boss : "So I put the chairs there in case anyone tried to get in."

I should state at this point that there is no money kept in our office, not even petty cash, and that the items of greatest value in the entire room are probably the two leather armchairs that were used to barricade the entrance.

Here's me : "And whom would be trying to get in?"

The Boss : "Someone might try to get in here."

Oh God help me, despite the fact that I am plainly working with someone completely deranged who may very well turn out to be a serial killer, I am fucking loving this.

Here's me : "So. Just to clarify; just in case some master villain managed to first somehow ascertain that you had forgotten your keys yesterday, then somehow was able to get through one security lock and three sets of security codes, evading detection on camera, to gain entry to our office which contains nothing of value, you then surmised that two armchairs would deter this Mission Impossible-style cat-burglar's progress?"

The Boss : "I thought it would it would trip him up."

I seize upon this like a cross-breed between Columbo and a demented terrier : "Him??"

The Boss : "I just wanted to make it harder for them."

Here's me, now leaning closer and speaking conspiratorially : "Them??"

The Boss : "I just had a funny feeling. I didn't like the door being unlocked."

Here's me : "I see. OK. Please, do not take this any further. If I should find trip-wires, sharpened objects or worse impeding my entry to the office some morning, I am going to have to seriously reconsider my employment here. And another thing. I've found your keys."

The Boss : "Oh did you? Where are they?"


Your thoughts on this are most welcome, one and all.


  1. Lol. Man, easily the funniest blog I have ever read.

  2. is it wrong i'm a little jealous of your having such a ridiculous boss?

  3. sorry this is late, but that door opens out.