Friday, 23 October 2009

Over the Top, Lads!

I'm not sure exactly what has been going on here, but I suspect The Boss has been reading some sort of Management-type wankspeak-oriented literature. This sort of thing I believe to be distinctly unhealthy bullshit at the best of times, but in the hands of The Boss it is some kind of dangerous blunt implement. I have no idea what is being actually suggested here but already I can tell you I'll do damn near anything to avoid whatever it is.

The Boss : "We need to do a big push."

Here's me : "Uh, wut?"

The Boss : "We need to do a big round on all fronts."

Here's me : "Um, hey?"

The Boss : "We should do a round robin."

Here's me : "A what?"

The Boss : "A big proc.. pro.. sell front."

Here's me, nonplussed : "Oh?"

The Boss : "Start phoning round."

Here's me, sinking into verbal quicksand : "Round who?"

The Boss : "A round robin."

Here's me : "What the fuck does that even mean?"

The Boss : "When you... do a round robin. And call round, and do a push."

Here's me, staring out the window and wondering if I'd survive the distance to the street if I just jumped straight through it : "Ummm... ok..."

The Boss : "We have to. We need to... do a... a check and trace. A pick in the... "

She falters, lost in a soapy mental bubble.

The Boss : "...A pick in all shipments. Shippers. On all shippers. We need to get started right away."

Here's me : "Uh, m'kay. What is it that you're asking me, exactly?"

The Boss : "It's swings and roundabouts."

At this point, the unfathomable becomes the downright bizarre.

Here's me : "Quite honestly. I have no clue at all what you're talking about here."

There is a momentary pause, and for a fleeting second I dare to hope that some sort of straight answer might be forthcoming, although in truth the only answer that would really help is 'I'm sorry, I'm talking total bollocks, please disregard everything I've just said'.

The Boss : "Catherine is an imbecile."

What? Hey? Who the fuck is Catherine, and what does she have to do with The Big Push? I can't even speak at this point, so confused am I.

The Boss : "I asked her for two toast, and she gave me two rounds. But I always ask for two."

I am agog.

The Boss : "What rate are you going out at for Dubai?"

I cannot summon one single word of reply to my lips. The room may start spinning any second.

It can't get any stranger than this surely, surely.

Surely not.

But The Boss's Mind loops in mid-air once again, with the mind-bending ballistics of insanity -

The Boss : "Where's Donegal Street?"

While in the greater sense this does not ease my confusion at all, it is at least some sort of sentence that while utterly out of context I can grab on to, like a drowning man seizing a piece of driftwood -

Here's me, in a daze : "...over there...." indicating the street adjacent by pointing.

The Boss picks up the telephone and starts dialling out. I am left alone for a few moments, waiting in a fashion that I suspect is not unlike the subject of an interrogation waiting for his interrogators to return to the room.

The Boss (to the phone) : "It's over there." and, stunningly, points with her finger, in the opposite direction to where I just pointed, for the benefit of a person (presumably) who has just answered her call.

The Boss (to the doubtless equally nonplussed person on the other end of the phone) : "Donegal Street. It's the next one along after Wine Street."

This is fascinating because not only is it not the next one along after Wine Street, but furthermore, there is to my knowledge no Wine Street anywhere in this city. Perhaps it is some kind of code-word being used while discussing The Big Push?

The Boss arises from her desk and makes for the door.

"I have to..."

She erupts into a fit of coughing. I am mesmerized.

The coughing fit terminates and she waves her hands vaguely in the air to indicate... what? I have no idea : "...before they get here."

Add 'terrified'.

And with that, she sweeps out of the room.

A few moments later, reception phones me to tell me that there are two gentlemen down there waiting for a meeting with me that I until just now knew nothing about, which presumably is either what the above was all about in the first place, or alternatively they are Agents of some kind, here to discuss The Big Push with me prior to me going Over The Top.


  1. Say "Wibble". It's the only way.

  2. So glad you're back; this one made me utterly weep.

  3. Squire, you have a Zoom and must use it for incriminating purposes.

  4. maybe the coughing fit is early signs of legionaires disease... try to suggest that and report on the ensuing cargnage as she 'googuls' Legionaires symptoms.

    Who knows, she may go off sick for a while and then you can actually do your job without wet nursing this silly bint

  5. but without her i would actually have to find something productive to fill my empty workday hours.

    keep that woman at the desk! i've got a fever, and the only cure is more boss lady.

  6. @ David & Anna :

    In 3 years the woman has not had one single sick day. Currently she is infested with some sort of horrendous malady and is apparently on a mission to cover every conceivable surface in the office with plague-germs, but still, she cannot be moved.

    The Boss is one of those people who will always offer some of you of whatever they are having; sometimes this is ok, you know, if someone says "would you like a biscuit?" or something, occasionally this is acceptable. But The Boss does this with *everything* - I mean, who sits down with a bowl of soup and asks "would you like some?" - and what would happen if I said yes? The mind boggles, and indeed cringes. There's nothing quite like watching someone cough themselves purple in the face over a plate of soggy toast and then offer you some, I mean, *really*, *honestly*, *no I fucking do not*.

    So David, sadly, there's no chance - it's more likely that I'll be the one off sick, if I escape infection here it'll be a miracle - and Anna, more Boss Lady is, alas, always assured.

    @ Radioguitar - I have given some thought to trying to catch audio recordings of The Boss in a fit of lunacy, they're just so bloody unpredictable... I'm still debating the wisdom of this action...

  7. sharing soup...i don't think i've ever met anyone who does that which further outlines how truly special your boss is.

  8. I genuinely suspect possible drug abuse. Like if you imagined she was constantly on LSD this would all make sense.

  9. Oh my god

    This has made me laugh so much I had to pretend I was having a coughing fit to have an excuse for the tears