A Brief Round-Up

With the return of She Who Cannot Be Named, there is a veritable overload of wanton stupidity in progress here today, too much tragedy and pain for me to go into detail so I shall instead provide you with a brief summary of the highlights so far. All hot off the press -



She's Taking On Water

The Boss : "Have you shipped anything out with Elaine?"

Here's me : "Um, Elaine? The lady in reception?"

The Boss : "With Wallenius?"

(this refers to Wallenius Wilhelmsen, a true and existing shipping line, with whom we ship goods - not to be confused with any lady called Elaine, whom it is hard to imagine under any circumstances to be a suitable vessel for the movement of deep sea cargoes)

Take That To The Bank

The Boss : "I spent so much money and I don't know where it went. I only brought back twelve hundred euros"

Here's me : "Twelve hundred fucking euros!?? How much money did you take with you?!?"

The Boss : "Two hundred."

Here's me who can't be arsed with this shite today : "Aye whatever"


Installation Corrupt

The Boss, starting a conversation with me while staring fixedly at the screen and dialling out on the phone at the same time : "What's un-install install?"

Here's me : "What?"

(presumably the call has just been answered)

The Boss, into the phone : "Google Chrome?"

(presumably the person on the other end of the line has just said "Wha?")

The Boss : "Wrong number" (hangs up phone)

(now looking at me) : "Is Ryan there?"

It Takes A Big Person To Admit, etc.

Here's me : "You have two files open for James Wightman. He called earlier in the week because he's received the same customs entry for both files. I looked in the files and I see you have filed a copy of the same customs entry with each one. Where is the correct one for the second file?"

The Boss : "No, they're in the right files."

Here's me : "They're not. I looked at them both, both the same reference, both 52-V."

The Boss, motioning me over : "Look, they're both in the right files"

Here's me : "You've just taken them out and moved them round."

The Boss : "I didn't, they were always in the right files."

Here's me, amused : "I just watched you do it. Look, it's got holes in the top corner where you tore it off from the staples, look."

The Boss : "No I didn't."

Here's me : "Aye whatever."


If He's Having One, I Want One Too

The Boss : "Your driver in Tilbury's just off the phone. They won't give him a tablet."

Here's me : "Er... a tablet?"

The Boss : "For waiting."

Here's me : "Whhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?"

The Boss : "They won't give him a ticket for the weighbridge."


Quit Bugging Me

The Boss, while on the phone : "Would you ring reception and ask if them if they're trying to cut in on my phone?"

Here's me : "Eh, wha?"

The Boss : "It sounds like someone's tapping my phone, would you ask reception if it's them?"

Here's me : "Are you entirely serious?"

The Boss : "Yes, do it."

(I actually did it too, just for the laugh like)

Classic Rock-aproprism

The Boss : "Have you lifted anything out of Iron Maiden?"

(This one caused me to erupt into laughter and in fairness The Boss did too once she realised what she'd said, she had intended to say 'Iron Planet' which is a U.S. based customer of ours. Classic though)

Who? What? Where? When? Why?

The Boss : "If Jonathan Parker rings up we haven't taken out Mark Stewart."

(I suspect there are two wholly seperate notions in here that would demand two wholly seperate sentences, but if you think I'm diving in to find out what it all means then you can frankly go and fuck)


It's On The Tip Of My Tongue

(In the midst of a discussion about why a particular customer is no longer using us in favour of a more expensive carrier)

Here's me : "Well, it's fairly obvious isn't it - he's taking backhanders."

The Boss : "You can't ignition that."

Here's me : "Wha?"

The Boss : "That's just instigation."

Here's me : "Wha?"

The Boss : "It's an imm...bi...fi...cation"

Here's me : "Wha the hell do you mean?"

The Boss : "I mean you can't know that, you're just guessing"

Oh the irony.