Saturday, 16 January 2010

CSI Bossville

So yeah we had a break in. The whole building, really. Two fellas climbed up via the car park out back in the middle of the night, and got in via a first floor window. They then went into every office in the building, smashing through the glass panels in the doors with a fire extinguisher to unlatch the doors by reaching through. Nothing much taken really, one company had four laptops taken but that was pretty much it. Our office was broken into but nothing taken, since there's pretty much nothing to take.

As I walked into work, reception were handing out those disposable surgical-type rubber gloves to everyone coming in, to wear while we opened doors and so on on the way into our offices. The Boss was already in the office so I came in, looked disgustedly at the pile of broken glass beside the door, and sat down thinking "Well, at least the little fuckers didn't trash the place, or start a fire."

So I started to work and The Boss shouts over "PUT THE RUBBER GLOVES BACK ON!"

Here's me : "Wha?"

The Boss is trying to type with rubber gloves on and seems to want me to do the same.

Here's me : "It's only for the door handles and that. I don't think your keyboard is going to matter too much."

The Boss : "But they could have used the keyboards!"

Here's me : "What, you think they interrupted the burgling operation to rattle off a few e-mails? Updated their facebook status while they were here, maybe?"

The Boss : "YOU NEVER KNOW!"

Oh well. Anyway, about an hour or so later, the fingerprints guy turned up, along with a suited type from CID to take a statement. CID guy has the wonderful job of interviewing The Boss but he's having difficulty holding her full attention because she's busy telling fingerprint-guy how to do his job.

CID Guy : "First of all, is there anything missing, that you're aware of?"

The Boss, talking past him : "Aren't you going to do the door latch? They would have had to touch the door-latch."

Fingerprint Guy : "We actually can't prints from that kind of surface."

I am, as usual, embarrassed by association. Only The Boss would think of telling forensics how to do their job.

CID Guy : "Ahem. Anything taken, that you're aware of?"

The Boss : "No, but things have been moved."

CID Guy : "Moved?"

The Boss : "The tin I keep my stamps in. It's at the other end of the desk."

CID Guy : "But nothing missing?"

The Boss, re-routing the conversation : "Aren't you going to take footprints?"

Fingerprints Guy and CID Guy both stare at her.

The Boss : "In the broken glass. They must have stepped in it, because look there, you can sort of see a shape of a foot."

CID Guy : "No, we don't take footprints."

The Boss : "Well I would have thought you should have at least taken footprints."

CID Guy, plainly rattled, turns to me : "Anything taken, that you're aware of?"

Here's me : "No, nothing at all has been taken."

CID Guy, visibly relieved : "OK, well if anything should come to light here is my card..."

The Boss, gabbling : "Well I would have thought you should at least, put up some tape...."

All three of us are now staring at her.

"... and, uh, secured the area, and, um, isolated.. a crime scene."

CID Guy Is Beautiful : "No ma'am. I think you've been watching too much CSI."


  1. Oh gaawd.
    Something to feed her paranoia further.

  2. Was it the hackers? Maybe all her security precautions on the IT front finally frustrated them enough to attempt an actual physical break-in to plant a trojan on your computers? Or the photocopier? Or her new shredder?

    Please tell her that!

  3. But it's not a crimescene without tape!!!

  4. She should have put the chairs in front of the door before leaving for the night. Then the thieves wouldn't have been able to get into your office!

  5. man...if anything like that happens in the states we get at least a partial day off while they rub scotch tape over every possible surface and generally dick around. the best thing that ever happened in my retail career was my dollar general getting robbed over night. we didn't open the next day.