Thursday, 14 January 2010

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

(belatedly. sorry, etc.)

It even sounds better. Two-thousand-and-nine just doesn't roll off the tongue, and every time I heard someone refer to the decade as "the noughties", I felt like punching a clown. But TWENTY-TEN. Sounds impressive. Sounds dynamic. It's definitely the future, twenty-ten. I returned to work on Monday morning for once vital, and full of the joys and so on, and with definite aims in mind. I had a healthy breakfast and despite the cold, it was a crisp and beautiful morning.

I entered the office with purpose, made the formalities and then sat down opposite The Boss and produced a document from my pocket, which I laid upon the table. Allow me, sez I, to run you through this point by point; it is not a list of demands per se, but it may not do any harm for you to consider it as such.
  1. When The Boss feels herself about to speak, The Boss is to stop, and think.
  2. The Boss is to double check the thought produced in (1) and if it seems that my reaction will be 'wha?', The Boss is to not speak.
  3. Even if The Boss is to speak, The Boss is to speak no more than is strictly necessary on the subject.
  4. The Boss is to call all things, including but not limited to persons, places, currencies, and any other object, animate or inanimate, animal, vegetable or mineral, by their proper name. If The Boss does not know the thing in question's proper name, The Boss is to stop and find out it's proper name before continuing.
  5. The Boss is not to say, under any circumstances, ever, the combination of syllables 'Ronan Keating'.
  6. The Boss is not to sing La Cucharacha, neither wholly nor in part.
  7. That line in 'Yellow Rose of Texas' should be sang as 'Her eyes are bright as diamonds, they sparkle like the dew', not 'Her eyes spar-kel like diamonds, they tinkle like a Jew'
  8. The Boss is not to sing 'Yellow Rose of Texas', neither wholly nor in part.
  9. The Boss is not to sing.
  10. The Boss is not, not ever, ever again, to click her fingers at me to get my attention. I would also advise The Boss that if The Boss also perchance does that at waiters, The Boss deserves everything she gets.
  11. The Boss is not to talk about, think about, use, consider, or in any other way whatsoever involve herself with spreadsheets.
  12. The Boss will agree that no-one has ever tried to hack into us, nor ever will, and we shall not speak of it again.
  13. The Boss is not to borrow my ruler for the purpose of scratching her back. If The Boss wishes to scratch her back in this way, she must order a new ruler to replace the ruler she previously broke while scratching her back.
  14. Nine until twelve - "Good Morning, [company name]"; Twelve till five thirty - "Good Afternoon, [company name]"
  15. The company name, once again, is (XXXXXX)
She read this document a few times through, at my insistence, and agreed that these points were all fair and reasonable, and that she had long been unfair and unreasonable, and that she had seen the error of her ways and would agree to my demands conditions and that she looked forward to moving forward in a forward-thinking manner.

I can't carry on this lie any longer, I've had The Week From Hell. From fucking HELL. Let me show you it.


    1. Joy! Joy! S.K is alive!!!!!

      Now, let's hear about your misery....

    2. HA! That read like a manifesto for shutting down this blog. Not that we want to see you suffer, but your blog would be so much duller ;-P

    3. Happy New Year to the Silent Koala!

      I doubt she can keep her own resolutions let alone any set by anyone else. I'm patiently awaiting disaster. Not that I enjoy Silent Koala's pain, of course...

    4. I was going to say...

      ...and then you woke up.

    5. The line from the "Yellow Rose of Texas" wouldn't bother me as much if she'd made the first phrase can properly.

      It would still bother me though. I'm pretty sure Jews don't tinkle in a way that's any more like a Texan yellow rose's eyes than the way the rest of us tinkle.

    6. Good to have you back. :-)

    7. YES! he's back. Oh my, lots of Jan twennyten read. Let the fun commence.